I wasn’t sure because I got drunk. Black out drunk. It was me and a guy I knew from high school and his friend I met that night. We were in his back yard drinking after just getting back from a fair in a near by town. I never got drunk before this, I never even had a shot before this. I was going through the roughest part of my life and had been at my rock bottom. At that state of mind I would of done anything to just get away from the situation I was in back then. Not trying to receive any pity just trying to express that if you knew me back then this was so out of character for me.

Fast forward and we finished the bottle of Jack Daniels and the two guys are on both sides of me carrying me into his house and up the stairs to his bed room. I remember them lying me down on the bed. I remember getting really sick and throwing up on his carpet. Then I black out.

Next thing I knew they were both taking turns making out with me. I blacked out again.

Next I remember opening my eyes to seeing the guy I knew from high school on top of me with my pants and underwear pulled down to my ankles. He was raping me.

Before I get into the part of the story that made me realize it was rape I want to talk about how hard I tried to not see it as rape.

I didn’t want to think he raped me. I wanted to believe it was a mutual drunken hook up. I kept telling myself this over and over. But something in my gut didn’t feel right and I had to talk to someone. I confided in a, at the time, motherly figure to me. I told her the whole story and everything I remembered. She was outraged and urged me to go to police. I didn’t know what to do. My mind frame then was how I didn’t want to ruin this guys life if it could just be a drunken mistake.

Now back to the details that were a hard pill for me to swallow but opened my eyes to the fact that I had been raped. I was another statistic. I thought that would never happen to me. Everyone thinks it can’t happen to them till it does.

I black out after seeing him on top of me. Next thing I know is I’m being shaken awake by both guys telling me I need to sign something. They were panicked I could tell. They were both just starting out in their military careers and this could ruin them. I heard them talk about how I could ruin their lives if I reported this. So they wrote on a piece of paper a statement basically saying it was consensual sex and wanted me to sign it. I never did.

I lied there still wasted and my eyes were closed. They felt so heavy I couldn’t open them. My pants and underwear were still around my ankles. The two of them were panicked and one suggested taking my underwear and washing them in the sink. I don’t think they did but I blacked out for the last time that night.

I woke up in the morning hungover and confused but had to get to work. He swore he’d talk to me about what happened and blew me off for a while. Finally when he was scared I was going to go to the police he met up with me to talk.

He said we were both drunk and had consensual sex. Then he said he didn’t even know if we had sex because he was too drunk. Then he said that we did because I told him that I needed to know if he did or didn’t use a condom. He said he did. I still got tested and took plan B to be safe. He also begged me for days to not go to the police because I would ruin his life. He told me how he would get kicked out of the Marines. He made me feel so guilty that I didn’t want to say anything to anyone because I didn’t want to ruin HIS life.

It’s a long winded story. I’ve never shared this anywhere and no one knows all these details (except for the person I mentioned above). Feels good to get this off my chest.