I have been depressed for most of my life. I had to deal with a verbally and emotionally abusive father when I was a kid and my mother did nothing to stop it. Two years ago my boyfriend of 4.5 years and I broke up and then I "dated" a string of losers who treated me like dirt and didn't care about me, despite me caring about them. My parents divorced and my youngest brothers were involved in some sexual abuse. I hit rock bottom. I wasn't ever happy, no matter what. I could be hanging out with friends and still just felt this awful sadness that wouldn't lift. I didn't want to kill myself but I didn't know what to do. I felt like I would never get better. I spent my time just wishing I didn't exist and being bombarded with thoughts about killing myself. Finally one night, after I had been drinking, I was texting my ex and I told him I was going to kill myself. I was going to overdose on sleeping pills. I called my mom, crying, and stopped answering my ex's texts so he called the cops on me and they showed up. I tried to act like nothing was wrong and was resisting the cops' efforts to help me. They told me if I could convince them that I was fine, they would leave. I finally realized I couldn't show them I was ok. They cuffed me and put me in the back of the cop car and took me to the hospital. I stayed the night there on suicide watch. At that point I realized I needed to do something or I would never get better. Since killing myself didn't work out, I started going to counseling and taking anti-depressants.

The thing is, no one ever knew how badly I felt. I had lots of friends and a part-time job. I was going to school to get my four year degree and I had an A- average. I internalized all my hurt because I didn't know what to do with it. I just felt worthless. I guess I had to finally decide for myself that I was worth the time to try to make myself feel better, that I deserved to be happy. I'm no longer on anti-depressants and I don't go to therapy anymore but I sometimes do get a deep, sad, lonely feeling that brings me back to that place, but I know now that I can make it through to the other side.