[Serious] Reddit, what is/was it like having a friend that committed suicide?
This comment was posted to reddit on Feb 18, 2015 at 12:27 pm and was deleted within 4 hour(s) and 53 minutes.
[Serious] Reddit, what is/was it like having a friend that committed suicide?
It pretty much followed the Kübler-Ross model, with some variation owing in some part to my atheism and secular humanism:
Denial — I thought it was some sort of elaborate prank. It had to be. I needed it to be. But I've trained myself to look at things rationally even when it's painful or embarrassing. It was real, and I had to accept that it was real. He was dead, and he'd taken his own life.
Anger — I was really mad at him for doing it. He'd talked to me about his issues, but he'd never let on that he would even consider suicide. None of the classic signs were there, or at least I didn't see them. He just up and did it, abandoning me, his family and his other friends. I was really pissed off at him—but he didn't exist any more. My rage had no target, so it spent itself.
Bargaining — This stage didn't really happen for me, because it usually involves pleading with a supernatural Higher Power™. I knew he was gone, and nothing was ever going to change that, ever.
Depression — Yes, I was depressed. I missed my friend. I hated myself for not being able to help him, or missing the opportunities to do so when maybe I could have made a difference. I knew that his depression was over. He's gone, in exactly the same way he was before he was conceived, and he only lives on now in our memories, some good and some bad. The sorrow I felt was for me and the others he left behind, not for him. It was selfish, and knowing that helped me get past it.
Acceptance — Again, my secular humanism helped me get here faster. In a way I dealt with it the way a first responder does triage. I realized that there were damaged and hurting people in my life, and I had lost one. Now who else needs my help?
Later I found out that another close friend of mine had been going through a very similar struggle, and I made it my mission to do everything for her that I would have wanted to do for him. In the course of that I convinced her to talk to her family about it, and I sat with her and held her hand while she did. She was in counseling for a while and they supported her 100%, and now she's doing really well.
One day about three years ago she and I had our "Lieutenant Dan" moment, when I knew it was going to be okay for her. I realized then that it was going to be okay for me too.