I never, ever thought I would cheat. Everyone that knows me would be shocked to know that I do. I'm just not known to be that type of guy, but I guess I am. I've spent a lot of time asking myself how the hell this happened. I've been married for 7 years. During this time, women have flirted with me, and I've been propositioned several times, but have always turned them down without a second thought.
Very long story short, I developed a friendship with a married woman that, after a couple of years, turned into an emotional affair. Neither one of of realized it had happened until... well it happened. Jack Daniels gave me loose lips one night, and I spilled the beans that I had feelings for her. She confessed the same. We were both surprised. Each of us thought the other was happily married, which wasn't the case, and she is older than me by a decade. Time passes, and we realize that we were in love with each other before I even confessed. I was hoping it was just temporary infatuation, but I was very wrong.
More time passes, and things became more physical and sexual, although we haven't had sex. I just don't know if we can take it that far, even though the desire is there.
So, why am I doing this? Two reasons: 1) This other person gets me. We click. If there is such a thing as "soulmates", as cheesy as it sounds, she is mine. We have similar struggles, needs, interests, opinions, and she is everything I've ever wanted in a woman. I can be myself around her. We laugh and have fun. I can lower my guard without worry.
2) I am unhappily married. I lied to myself for years, telling myself I was happy. If I met my wife maybe 2 years later than I actually did, I never would have married her. She can be condescending, intentionally hurtful, cold, and has little empathy for some of my struggles with my mood disorder, anxiety, panic, etc. She can be selfish. She is a religious zealot and fundamentalist Christian. She is a creationist, very anti-gay, and all the stuff that comes along with that. She's not a terrible person. Despite her faults, she is an okay wife and good mother. But who the fuck am I to be talking about her shortcomings? I'm the cheating asshole, and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what I do. It's shitty.
Close calls... only one big one. We'd been out with friends drinking. She and I leave and meet up in a parking lot to hang out for a while. Her car won't start. No jumper cables to be found. We can't call anyone for help (because then we'd be found out). I had to drive her home... when her husband was there. Things got hairy the following day, but everything turned out okay. I can't be very specific.
I don't know how much longer this can go on. I am madly in love with this woman, but the guilt eats away at my soul. Additionally, it is extremely stressful to maintain two relationships. If the woman I'm in love with and my wife are simultaneously upset or angry about something, whether it's related to me or not, it can be exhausting.
I know what I am doing is wrong. Even though this other woman makes me 10x happier than my wife could, at some point I'm just going to have to pull the plug.
Side note: when I heard this song on the radio, I thought I was going to barf from anxiety and guilt (it was right after we had kissed for the first time).