Christmas 2011. I had just graduated college at the age of 33, first in my family. My parents couldn't make it to my out of state ceremony because they "didn't know what to do" with their dog. Whatever. I celebrated with my in laws and was enjoying the holidays with them when my sister emailed me. She said our mother said I thought I was better than the rest of the family now that I had a degree and that I was ashamed of her because she was fat.
My mother has done something like this (make negative assumptions about me and gossip about it to my sister, who then calls me all alarmed and pressures me to contact our mother) many times in my life and I was sick of dancing around it or ignoring it and pretending it didn't bother me.
I decided this kind of communication ended right there, Christmas 2011. I wrote her a letter. In it, I said that it wasn't her weight or education level that caused me to be distant from the family, but the abuse I experienced growing up.
And I let it ALL out. I mentioned a few of the more hurtful things from my childhood- her calling me "sorrier than whale shit" or "worthless." I mentioned the time I was "spanked" so hard by my stepdad when I was 10 that I had welts and bruises running up and down my legs. My crime? I had lied to him about getting a starter box of maxi pads in the mail from a Girl Scout program. I told him it was a gift for mom and hid it in my closet. My stepdad snooped in my closet and found the box and hit me for lying.
I had a Girl Scout even that night- my troop was going to see the Nutcracker. My folks couldn't send me off with bruises so I had to wear the only pair of knee socks I owned, and they clashed so bad with my uniform that I was teased all night. It was horrible.
So, in my letter to my mother I mentioned stuff like this and said THAT was why I was so distant. I couldn't pretend we were a big happy family. We weren't. I said that we could try to repair our relationship but I could absolutely not go forward without her at least acknowledging what happened and taking some responsibility for it.
For the record, I also said that I loved her and know she did the best she could, but I was still hurt.
She wrote back. Sorry she was such a horrible mother. My sister didn't seem to have the same problems I did. I was a difficult teenager and got sarcastic with her. She didn't remember any of the stuff I mentioned in my letter.
Well, that was it for me. She never apologized or even acknowledged what happened. She wouldn't even give me that. Decades of grief and guilt and confusion and conflicting urges and problems with trust and relationships and depression and anxiety. And all she had for me was- huh, I don't really remember that, must've been your imagination.
Her denying it was almost more hurtful than the original abuse. I knew I would never get the love or validation from her that I needed. I haven't spoken to anyone in the family for years. I have a lot of weird feelings about it. But, I am glad that my guilt and confusion are gone since the Christmas 2011 letter.