Tried to hang myself twice. Luckily Im shit at tying knots. First time was my 20th birthday (two months ago) second time was a couple weeks after. The first time led to me finally going to Mental health at the hospital. They did shit all. Left feeling good but by the time I got to my car I was like "Ok what now?"- No meds or anything they just said they'd call me in like 2-4 weeks. So I continued with work and the depression/suicidal thoughts got worse. That's when I tried the second time. My friend found me as I was on my way to find a spot to hang myself. Got in my car and told me we were going for a drive. Talked for about an hour and went to talk to a professional who recommended seeing my family doctor for medication. I was prescribed Ativan (panic attacks) and Sertraline (depression). I will admit that I abused the Ativan and was thankful that ran out. Although I had a bad panic attack at my friends house in my car, threw up and couldnt move my legs. I slept in my car overnight and drove home at like 5am. Wish I had it then. The Sertraline is doing wonders. I got lucky and was laid off work so I didn't have to take a stress leave. I moved back with my parents... my roommate and friends were into drinking every night and coke every weekend. I did a lot of drinking, mushrooms, coke, smoked a lot of weed and one night at a party I did all of those together as well as Meth... which I thought was coke at the time. Blacked out and woke up miles away back at my apartment on the bathroom floor. I think that fucked with me a lot...

Now I'm doing much better. Currently unemployed waiting for unemployment to go through. Told myself I'd never go on it unless I need it. I started picking apples today. First time "working" in a while. I was scared I would have a panic attack but I'm doing good. Going back to the orchard tomorrow :)