[Serious]Redditors who have had to kill in self defense, Did you ever recover psychologically? What is it to live knowing you killed someone regardless you didn't want to do it?

Using a throw away. During the summer before 6th grade my younger brother and I lived with my mom and her abusive boyfriend at the time (he was also molesting me but I never had the courage to tell anyone). One Friday my brother and I are riding our bikes and ride past the house, see the front door wide open and are about to go inside, but see my mom's boyfriend drunk (its maybe like 5 pm) violently beating my mom. She had a friend their who was trying to stop this, but he was a small old man and there was little he could do, also he couldnt speak English which is why I believe the door was wide open (I believe he opened it so someone would walk by and call 911...nobody did..). My heart dropped in my chest and I am terrified, and have to get my brother out of there, so I tell him to get back on his bike and chase me. Im crying the whole time and dont know what to do. Some time passed and its getting dark out so we go back home, I peak around and see my moms boyfriend drunk and passed out on the kitchen table, dont remember where the old man was. I walk upstair with my brother and hide him in the bedroom, and go find my mom whose locked herself in her bedroom. Once I get in she asks me to call the police because I guess she couldnt muster up the courage. Shes in really bad shape and I am terrified because a while ago I had called the police when he was drunk and throwing things and I was scared, the next day when my mom wasnt around he smacked me around. I called the police anyways and am waiting for them to come. I have no idea what prompted me to go downstairs.... none at all. But i quietly snuck downstairs and hes still there passed out in a chair with his head on the dining table. Theres a large amount of what I think was liquidy snot pooled on the table around him, but I guess it could have been vomit, remember it smelling awful. I see a knife on the table next to him (later found out he was going to use it to kill my mom after she got upstairs to hide, but the oldman distracted him by telling him to forget about that and just come have another drink. Thank god that worked and he passed out), grabbed it and stabbed him in the neck until he realized what was going on, then I got up and bolted. I hide outside until I heard the police sirens. He later died in the hospital, I dont regret it, but it was extremely traumatic for me and I still have the occasional nightmares. Im glad that piece of shit is no longer on Earth.

/r/AskReddit Thread