[Serious]Redditors who have had to kill in self defense, Did you ever recover psychologically? What is it to live knowing you killed someone regardless you didn't want to do it?

throw away account.

so im in this new apartment. nice area. its in a pretty good area. lots of families, mostly white people. so im up late studying at 3 or 4am. then suddenly i hear pounding on the doors across the hall and then my door. i hear a weird voice say "if she's in there im gonna kill you" i was new in town, didnt know a single person, i wish there was a hot girl in my apartment but not that lucky. so i just grabbed my AR15, set it on my kitchen table, and searched for when im legally allowed to kill someone breaking in. the person went away. first incidentTHEN i hear my next door neighbor down the hall from me screaming at the top of her lungs, she was like late 20's early 30's maybe, "HELP HELP! OMG HELP! SOMEONE'S BREAKING IN! GO AWAY! SOMEONE CALL 911! IM GOING TO KILL YOU!" all while shes yelling i hear someone pounding so now im clutching my ar15, i call 911, tell them whats happening, they show up. nobodys there. im pissed someone tried to break in to a unit at my apartment even if its not mine and got away.

second incedent the next night, the same thing happened. someone is pounding my neighbor's door around 3am. i grab my rifle, call the police, they show up. nobody there. i open my door when the cops are leaving to tell them what i heard.

third incident two or three days later the SAME thing happens at 230-3am. cops show up. nobody there. cops are PISSED as fuck now. they come to her unit, talk to her. another one comes to talk to me. they're asking me if this is a prank, threatening me with some bullshit. i tell them i swear to god i dont know my neighbor, i'm a uni student, i dont know what else to do but call 911 its not a prank. i look like (and am) a good person so they believed me.

fourth incident an hour after the cops leave the third time, she's yelling again. more pounding on the door. i call 911 again. the same 911 operator answers the phone each time i call. recognize her voice. tell her its me. i tell her this is not a joke, tell her to listen, put phone on speaker, she confirms she hears someone hitting the door, hears the woman yelling for help and call 911. i ask if i should peek out my head out and see if i can see anything. she tells me i should see if i can see anyone but dont confront them. i tell her i have a gun and if anyone attacks me im going to shoot them. she tells me just take a look quickly and go back inside and dont brandish the gun unless i have to. i was surprised to hear her tell me i should pop my head out but given the circumstances of this getting ridiculous i guess thats why she told me to. i chamber a round, safety is off. i slowly/quietly open my door. set phone on counter. keep my rifle in one hand and in my unit, before sticking head out try to angle to see if anyone near my door. pop my head outside real fast then back in only giving myself enough to time to get a visual snapshot of whoever is currently pounding the door.

HEAD POP OUT OF DOOR. HEAD BACK IN. SPLIT SECOND. SLAM DOOR WITH LIGHTNING SPEED/ LOCK IT.

this was like one fluid motion.

then i stop staring at my door knob/lock and process what i saw.

which was nothing. nobody is outside, the hallway is empty. i open the door again already having my rifle aimed at the door, safety off, incase a psychopath is standing there waiting like in the movies. there wasn't one there luckily. i look both ways, stick my head out again to confirm empty hallway.

empty hall way confirmed. flip safety on. set rifle on counter. pick up cell phone. go into hallway. standing to the side of my neighbor's door incase she shoots through it for some reason (idk if she has a gun or not, again i left my gun in my apartment so im not just out in the hallway with an AR15 incase anyone happens to come by) she's still screaming and yelling at her imagined intruder, she's the one hitting her own door.

i've travelled all over the world. honestly dont know off the top of my head how many countries i've visited. i have some interesting friends. met some interesting people. i've seen a lot of stuff - a lot. luckily more good than bad, but i've seen a lot of bad shit too. this is on the short list of the weirdest shit i ever saw just staring at that woman's front door in an empty, eerily quiet hallway with the fluorescent lights at 4am watching/listening to her yell at someone who isn't there.

i told 911 im literally standing in the hallway looking at her door. nobody is there. she's hallucinating. the operator confirmed more than once with me nobody is there and the neighbor is hallucinating. the cops came a few min later. luckily my neighbor was still carrying on. i watched through the peep hole as the cops stood in the hall and observed what was going on. heard them radio back that the caller (me) was right, nobody there.

they drag her out, say they're taking her to a hospital. she's kicking and screaming. only saw a glance through peep hole.

a few days later, maybe a week im walking into my apartment from class. cop is following me from parking lot. get to my door. turn around. hi i see you're following me whats up? lets have it.

tells me hes not here for me, for my neighbor. i say ah the crazy lady. i called in about her.

he says oh that was you. i say yeah.

pause. he looks at me. yeah, she escaped.

im a pretty animated person. you should've seen my face. the cop laughed. i ask if shes dangerous. he says no.

have my rifle with a magazine next to my bed every night (no round chambered). i decide im moving the fuck out. one of the nights during moving process, im in my bed boxes all around. hear someone running up and down the hallway saying "meow meow meow meow meow" she's not making a "meow" sound like the sound of a cat meowing. she's literally just saying the word "meow". i call the cops. cops come. take her away kicking and screaming. next day. girls mom and smoking hot sister arrive and i see them inspecting the door of her unit, asking each other if it looks like its damaged or someone tried to get in - as if they still don't believe their family member is crazy and they are hoping to find evidence corroborating what she's saying ie; she's not crazy. they ask me if i saw anyone around there whos not supposed to be there. they ask me if i live alone. i reply "sometimes" (LOL wtf dont ask me that shit bitch. yeah i live alone all the time).

i moved away. no idea what became of that situation. all those incidents were the closest i've come to thinking i was going to maybe have to kill somebody. i do not want to hurt anyone, i wish everyone would stop hurting each other. at the same time, if someone attacks me they're toast.

/r/AskReddit Thread