[Serious]Redditors who have had to kill in self defense, Did you ever recover psychologically? What is it to live knowing you killed someone regardless you didn't want to do it?

I write. Here's something I wrote awhile back about the situation.

Around 18 years ago there was a 20 year old boy trying to figure out what it meant to be a man. He was in a place totally different than where he had grown up. It was wild and filled with hedonism, culture, and ghosts. It still is. He walked down a dark alley, his head cloudy from whiskey, and from behind him came a rush of air as a solid wall of hateful intent and evil swept down on him. Before he could react he was face down on old cobblestone – a face full of stale beer, piss, and cigarettes. There was a sharp pain in his side as hot breath caressed his neck like death coming to call. That malignant breeze moved onto his right ear as words were spoken, “You ain't going to make it out of this alley tonight, fat boy.” Other things were said, promises of horrible things to come were made to that young man.

Metal dug into flesh and blood poured from one arm then the next. Scars were made. A fist hit the back of a head and teeth rattled on brick. The taste of blood mixed with the filth on the cobblestone. The boy was rolled over and his shirt torn open as the tip of a sharp blade ran across his chest – slicing into the skin above his heart just deep enough to leave a scar still visible two decades later. The boys eyes were closed. He could feel the pulse throbbing in his neck as the cold blade was pressed against his artery. The knew as long as that artery pulsed and that blade moved no further he was alive. He opened his eyes and the thing on top of him continued to talk. It talked too much. The boy could see it's eyes and it's smile. He could feel his pulse beating – it crashed inside his head like thunder foretelling a storm. And the storm came. The boy opened his eyes wide as the monster's eyes closed. Blood dripped from his mouth as the thing under him stopped smiling. The boy walked on. He stumbled, sweat mixing with blood as nothing behind him moved and may not ever have again.

/r/AskReddit Thread Parent