I'm gonna regret telling yall about this, but it's late and I'm tired, and I just realized I haven't actually told anyone the specifics of what happened outside of the police and my employer. So maybe it will he cathartic, who knows.

For almost 2 years I worked as an armored truck guard for an international company, in one of the biggest cities in the US. For legal reasons I can't give many many details and for personal ones I'll leave out others but here it goes.

I only took that fucking job because my brother was dying and I couldn't find anything else in that area to support myself oh since I was right out of college while being close enough to help my family. I hated that job every second of every day I was there, but the guys and gals I worked with were pretty great and made it go by smooth enough. We'd had several attempted robberies and assaults while I worked there but they were always along the same trend so I thought I knew what to look out for. This is where I have to get vague, and I apologize in advance so please have patience with me. I was inside of the vehicle when a man assaulted my partner in such a manner that he was unable to see so he fell onto his side so that his body weight covered his handgun and he could try to clear his eyes. I exited the vehicle and drew my sidearm. It was happening so quickly but my mind was calm and seemed controlled, this was due to the adrenaline. I couldn't really hear anything as I moved to cover my partner. The attacker was in a position where I was partially blocked from his vision but it was obvious he was aware of me. He reached under his clothing and I could see a pistol grip becoming clear. I fired several times striking his torso, and like I was taught in the military continued firing into the attacker while I closed the ground between us. I ended up hitting him all but once with my stray round snapping off a corner pillar and going into an empty car windshield. Im not supposed to say at this point in time how many times I shot the attacker, but within minutes he expired. The DA is investigating and I was cleared by my company and the FBI, it's a formality at this point.

What really stuck with me was how fast it happened but how controlled everything seemed in my head. I knew it was happening faster than it seemed to me, but I was still thankfully able to make controlled effective actions and it was almost like auto pilot. I didn't feel good, like punching someone in anger the first time. I knew in my head that I was ok and it was a good shoot, but I was so angry and disappointed that it happened on my watch and now I was responsible for something I had no interest in being responsible for. It's hard to explain, but it was like the first time I got in an honest to god fist fight with a kid in middle school. He picked on me for whatever reason, and one day walking home I got sick of it and told him to fuck off or fight. So we fought and I ended up beating his ass pretty bloody, we both got it good but he broke his nose real bad and it never looked the same. I felt good for shutting him up, but it made me realize how awful I felt for physically beating him so badly. Maybe that's just me, I don't know. I don't really care if it comes across as weakness it's just how I personally felt about it. It felt like that when I killed that attacker, expect multiplied so much more.

I didn't go back on route again, and I left soon after the investigation by the company and FBI permitted me to. At the time I was about to transition into a local police academy as I had been passed the entire application process, but I didn't have any interest anymore. I don't talk about my feelings with anyone so if this is stiff excuse me. I felt tired a lot and always day dreamy, but when it came time to sleep I was restless and couldn't settle NY brain. I was anxious like I was waiting for a fist to fall but it doesn't come. I am not a man who is afraid of things, and I don't react outwardly to much anymore but it feels like I'm under pressure and could just crumble and compress like a stone being ground. I got very angry at things suddenly, for no reason and without any warning. It just surprised me as much as whoever was there to see it. Then as quickly as it comes it goes, and I'm left feeling slightly bored and tired again. I have a new job now that I love and even though sometimes I still can't believe what I did, I just don't think about it and let my mind wander to something else. That's really all I have to say about that now, so if anyone is interested there's my story.