Im a singer/songwriter and have been doing this since I was like 10, I started playing the piano at 8 and taught myself, then picked up guitar at 12, I have musical ear. My parents have memories of me singing along to songs and remembering the lyrics as young as 4. I done every school talent show, even in high school. I remember I performed a high school musical song sharpays versions of you are the music in me and I came first place for it and honestly that was the most ive ever felt alive and most successful I ever felt if im being honest lol. I started making YouTube videos when I was 14, I even was contacted by a record label but that didn't work out in the end because they were kinda sketchy. Growing up literally every single person who came across me told me ill be a massive star, that ill go to hollywood and make it big, I even thought so too..I feel like my parents had big expectations from me...well here I am at a few weeks short from being 25, broke as hell, no friends, working a dead end job and no longer having much time to create due to working long hours and living in an apartment where ill probably be kicked out of if I am too loud. I feel like a big failure.

My whole childhood/teen years I worked on music, it was my whole world but I stupidly ended up taking it less seriously at 17 because of really bad self doubt and insecurity which I think stemmed from high school bullies making fun of me for doing music and now here I am at 25 feeling lost and hopeless and sort of regretful. I wish I never stopped the momentum I had going. My early 20's I had to move out and get a job so that's when music and YouTube videos started to take a back seat. Now things are harder at 25, I need to work a job which means little to no time for music, ive no where really to record anymore because ill probably be kicked out for being loud, ive had one complaint before and I dont want to disturb anyone either. I have bills to pay so paying for record studio sessions isn't something I can do every week. Id love music to be my job, I believe music is my purpose, I want to sing on stage all the damn time and perform its the one thing that makes me so ecstatic about life, but at 25 it feels impossible that ill ever get to perform for crowds or travel. When I see 15yr old Tik Tok teens get famous within a year and make loads of money and get all these opportunities with little to no talent just by making cringe dance moves I feel completely defeated. Sometimes I wish I was 14 again and starting all over and fucking the haters and my really bad self doubt. I feel like a failure and a disappointment. I feel really hopeless and broken. I dont want my life to be working a job I hate till im 65, but I need to make money, I have bills to pay, I need to eat. My life has just become working 9-5 job I hate , coming home tired, eating and then quietly trying to record music in my apartment which ends up sounding terrible and not suitable to upload online so then I get annoyed and go to sleep. Now with covid you can't sing in the street, in coffee shops, bars etc. Start of last year a new youth centred opened up and I was apart of choir and then that went to shit and my momentum was once again lost.

At 15 its cool to follow your dream, everyone supports you, you have no responsibility and you are free as a bird and time is on your side but as an adult its harder. People sometimes look at your weird when you say what you'd love to do with your life and tell you to give it up, you dont really have anyone supporting you, its very lonely and your kind of an outcast in your peer group who all starting to have children and get married.

Im not expecting to make it big but to be able to live off my music and get to travel and perform is something I want so bad. I would like to even be signed to a label but I dont think ill ever be signed to a label at this point especially as a woman who creates pop music, they are looking for cute 18yr olds not nearly 30yr old women, the music industry is kinda ageist for women in pop music, I knew someone who was 26 at the time and record label told her she was too old and literally dropped her. Heck even now just to have nice decent sized house with a nice garden and my own studio and be able to record my music few days a week while still having a job would even be great.

It feels like my dream is being crushed into a million pieces and the real world just keeps knocking me down. Im tired of my life but I also know I need to be grateful because so many people have it worse. I also know I need to be happy now, not when I get something. I am trying hard to change my life and pursue my dreams but when life is well..so damn expensive it's hard. Ive started going to a big field near me and recording me and my guitar with my phone and making YouTube videos but my dream of travelling and singing on big stages feels a billion gazillion miles away. Sometimes I think maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Sorry this seemed more like a long rant. I needed to get it out lol.