It was rough for a few years; mostly what kept me going was getting everything in order for after I was gone. I had to do a lot of work on the house so it would be ready to sell or live in for my wife, our kids were grown and on their own. The other thing was working it out so it wouldn’t be a suicide, but I didn’t want to involve anyone else, no getting run over on my bike by a truck or train, or anything like that, it would be cruel to make some stranger have to live with that. Then there was the problem of what if it didn’t work, what then, would my family be stuck taking care of what was left of me. While I was working on the house and finances (about two years), things came into my life that helped me change; I still have issues, but I don’t have to fight the battle every moment of every day anymore.

A little off topic; a bit over a month ago I walked in on a guy getting ready to jump off a bridge to a concrete dock in the river about 30 feet down. I asked how it was going, he just said, “you might want to move your boat.” The only thing I could think of to say was just that, I said, “I know it won’t do any good to tell you I have been there, but I want you to think about something, what if it doesn’t work?” He responded, “What?” I said “what if it doesn’t work and you are stuck in a bed somewhere and people have to feed you and take care of you, and you won’t be able to do anything about it?” Then I said, “just think about it”, before I pushed off into the river. After I got under the bridge where he couldn’t see me anymore I called 911, two cars got there within a minute or two; later I checked the 911 calls and it said the police talked him off the edge and took him for evaluation. I don’t know what happened after that. I couldn’t solve his problem or even say anything about what they might be, I just thought I might make him doubt the decision for a day, and maybe the days or weeks after until he might find what he needs to make his life livable.