I wish it was as easy to show you, as if simply pulling out a piece of paper and laying it in front of you, but it isn't.

We were together more than 13 years. This stuff happened hundreds of times. But there was a lot of other things that also happened in those 13 years.

I know he did not love me, not like he should have, but in his own way i know he thought he did love me.

And, reporting him won't help me feel any better, i'll just feel just as bad for different reasons. He may not have loved me enough to keep me safe from harm, but i did love him and do actually care about the harm that threatens him. I know that if he goes on an offender list, his job will be ruined. His parents are elderly, and they are about to the age where they are going to need him to be there for them. I can lock him up, for a while, but he entered treatment. If this treatment fails to fix him, prison would do no better.

Why ruin so many actual existing lives, over a risk and fear? A part of me does hate him ... it has something to do with wanting him to hurt, like i do on the inside, almost all the time. There was a time i wanted to blow my brains out really good, all over his belongings and table, just so he would have to always remember his stuff was permanently touched by pieces of me and the only way to get clean of me is to have to throw away everything in his life, like i had to, to start over.