The first time I met the guy who abused me, I had no idea that he would be capable of doing what he did to me. I met him online through a friend. He was really shy and had very pretty eyes. He was from Puerto Rico so he could speak Spanish, which I absolutely loved about him. And he was so incredibly smart. Not only did he graduate school early and get into college early purely based on test scores, but he was great with computers. I'd never met anybody who could hack before I met him. He was so kind, to the point of being taken advantage of by other people. He had never had a girlfriend before at the age of 19, and it was apparent when we started dating that he was the kind of guy who was 100% committed. My friends used to giggle about him all the time. "He did what? That's so cute, it's like the movies!"
If you had told me the minute before he started changing that he would be the kind of guy he ended up being, I would have laughed in your face. During the first few months, there was absolutely no way. He and I talked every day, I knew exactly what kind of person he was, and no one could tell me otherwise. He proposed early, and I was convinced that no one had a love quite as deep as ours.
I had no idea that the very first step in an abusive relationship is to charm and seduce the victim. That's exactly what he did. He said all the right things, did all the right things...he flew over to my state very frequently to come and see me, as his father was rich and he was able to do that.
After a while, he entrusted to me something that he had never told anyone before. When he was little, his dad abused him and his mom. Not his little brother, though. His little brother was the perfect child in his dad's eyes, but his dad was convinced that he was gay and going to hell, and abused the hell out of him and his mom. Because of that, he didn't go to school very often making it harder for him to graduate and get into college, which is why I meant so much to him. Because I didn't look at that and think he was a bad guy. He told me he was scared of being just like his dad. He also told me that's why he and his mom fled Puerto Rico - they didn't want to be with his dad anymore. But his dad kept sending them paychecks, which he said he was grateful for because without them, he wouldn't be able to see me as much since he lived so far away. I was absolutely stunned. This made me feel like I was the only person he had, it made me feel like I couldn't leave strictly for that. But I didn't mind. I loved him and he was such a sweet guy.
The second phase is to idolize the victim. He kept praising me. Telling me I was beautiful, there was no other girl like me. And he had proof - because he had never been with any other person before. He had never dated, because he was waiting for the right girl to come along, and it was me. No one had met his standard, except me. No one was as smart or beautiful or kind. He made me feel like I couldn't be touched. He did such a good job with it, too. Because he didn't just verbally praise me. He idolized me like I was legit heroine to an addict.
The third phase is to isolate the victim. He started getting a little anxious when he wasn't around me. Being the 17 year old girl that I was, I didn't think that it was very odd that long distance relationships were in constant contact. He started to beg me not to go to school because he missed me. I started losing a lot of my friends because he wouldn't let me talk to them. I wasn't allowed to talk to any guy friends, or else he'd be hurt, and he wanted so much time from me that all my girl friends never talked to me anymore. He asked me not to go to work after school. He asked me not to spend time with my family. And out of nowhere, he said this to me: "Mucheng, I quit school because I couldn't bear to not be with you anymore. Why don't you drop out of school and come live with me?"
I seriously considered it. I begged my parents to let me transfer to Philadelphia. This is when my parents told me he was manipulative and that I should stay clear of him. My friends all said the same thing. And just like that, I shunned all my friends. I thought "he doesn't need anyone but me, and I don't need anyone but him."
The fourth phase is to introduce the idea of violence, and that's exactly what he did. He started talking about violent things. Talking about what he would do if I ever did anything he didn't like. I would always shrug it off, because in my head, he would never do it.
The fifth phase is to actually do it. The very first time he started abusing me, it was verbal. The very first time it happened, it was over Skype. We were sitting there talking, and I have no idea what I did, but I knew he started getting frustrated because of me spending time at school...I don't even remember all the things he told me because my brain blocks it out (PTSD is a bitch). But he said "you're so selfish. I love you, but you're so selfish. In the worst way possible. Not just socially or...with what you want. But sexually, too. You're a cum gurgling slut. I have no idea why I fell in love with you. I have no idea why I even kiss you. I have no idea why I ever was attracted to you. Why are you like this? Why do you do this to me?" and it only went downhill. He told me that I was such a whore that he would have to pay people to fuck me because I was so worthless. That he wouldn't, because he wasn't a monster, but that I was legit worth less than nothing. He would say this until I started having panic attacks, and he would say "have the worst panic attack of your life" to end the call. It only took a few minutes for him to come back and apologize...but even then, it wasn't much of an apology. "I'm sorry I lashed out...it's just that you're so difficult to deal with and so hard to love". I really believed him, too.
I don't remember a lot of the relationship because of PTSD. I know he tried to kill me on the train tracks when he came to visit, but I only know that because my now husband knew about it. I know he forced blow jobs on me, telling me that he did it because he wanted me to love him, and that it really hurt him that I didn't.
The very final phase, "kill her", happened on my 18th birthday.