Sex. I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with it, pornography and my internal wiring a lot recently.
Of course, there's probably a whole host of factors at play here - decreasing libido with age, familiarity of a partner, general depression, anxiety and the dissatisfaction of dead end desk jobs spent living vicariously through the Instagram accounts of multimillionaires, etc.
But somewhere between all this, my perception of what sex represents has shifted from its natural centre I think. I remember looking into the eyes of the first woman I loved as I came and feeling truly 'connected' - our breathing, rhythm and attraction flowing together in perfect sync. This was magical to me, and provided an insatiable kind of desire for her that perhaps only occurs with your first 'real' partner.
Today though, many partners since, something always feels off - as if I'd rather be above our bodies watching us fuck, as opposed to being in that moment myself - a voyeur in my own sex life.
I think this is due to the relationship between my access to every possible kind of pornography being a few clicks away at all times blending with my own basest instincts to experience it all as and when I wish. Both these things, when repeated over countless moments for many years has shifted my wiring - I mean when you consider it like this, how could it not have?
I feel like somewhere down the line, kinks that weren't there before have not only been created but explored as a result. I want her to talk dirty when I feel like it, be silent the next, wish she was Latina with a bigger ass today, big-boobed and American tomorrow. I've been so spoiled by having my most superficial sexual desires met whenever I choose that I miss out on what making love is (and always used to be about) to me.
In fact, even more so than the idea of virtual sex being something necessary for the lonely in years to come, I think we're - all of us - going to engage in it as a way to satiate a desire to experience every kind of sex with every kind of person we can in future.
I won't pretend to know what this means or how it might play out but I do believe that, to an extent, our relationship with the act of sex has been somewhat spoiled thanks to the Internet.
Amazing how the thing that connects us together like nothing before has also disconnected us in other ways equally as much.