[Serious]What keeps you from committing suicide?

I wrote this a while ago to try and describe my depression. TL:DR my dad is keeping me alive

A pulsing heat in my back with a weight on my chest. My neck is plugged up and I can't stand any noises. The rest of my body feels numb, except my hands which are clammy, and I forget I’m still attached. The feelings of defeat, regret, anger, self-hatred, hopelessness and total removal from the world around me are my baseline. The brief moments of happiness are quickly stomped out by scepticism and guilt. There has to be something wrong with the situation. It can’t all be that good. I’m conditioned to search and find a black lining to everything. The most emotional variation I feel is when i’m completely numb to all emotion. I quickly get scared and search for something, anything for me to feel. Just so I can seem more human. Then I find it, my baseline. I’m constantly angry at myself for doing anything. Writing this makes me feel like a fucking asshole who can’t stand to not have attention. Someone who can’t let themself feel good because I’m too much of a pussy to face the fact that things can go wrong. Instead, I make them go wrong to prove to myself, once again, I’m right. It used to be that the only thing keeping me alive was my dad. I couldn’t put him through the pain of standing by my closed casket to hide the half blown off face underneath. Now, suicide seems like more of an option because of how much my pain has overshadowed what he will feel. It scares me almost to think of how much worse it’s gotten. If I have a particularly bad day, I would have no problem going downstairs and ending my life with one of the hunting rifles in the closet. What would it feel like? To feel nothing. I imagine it would feel somewhat like my numbness, but worse. I mean, when i feel numb I do still feel. I feel afraid that I can’t feel as much as usual. But what would it be like to have every single fiber of your being get sucked out of you. All the memories and experiences gone in a blink of an eye.

/r/AskReddit Thread