My ex wife in 2012.
In hindsight, I should have seen the signs coming. Was dating a girl, raising her child (not mine biologically) as my own. It had been a stressful week. I texted my girlfriend asking if we were okay cause she had been acting strange. Got a long text breaking up with me.
In one text, I lost my girlfriend (who I had been saving up for a ring), my son, and my home (was living in her house)
Went into an ultra calm mode. Finished work, called out for my other job the next day, and called my ex wife asking if she wanted to have dinner. (We are still friends, and wanted to say goodbye). I was happy and chipper when she turned me down, as she had other plans. I said no biggie.
Went home, wrote a bunch of notes, and emptied the medicine cabinet. (Trigger warning). After I ground up all the pills into a powder so I could drink them in a smoothie, AFTER taking lots of anti nausea medicine to make sure I wouldn't puke. I downed my smoothie, and I cannot tell you the utter BLISS I felt after putting the glass in the sink. No regrets. No last minute "WTF DID I JUST DO??!!!" Just...peace.
I laid down on the couch, playing with my phone. Even made sure to go to the bathroom first so I wouldn't soil myself when I died.
Woke up in the hospital days later.
My ex wife knew me well enough to know my behavior wasn't typical. When an hour later through social media she found out about the breakup she put two and two together and called 911.
I hated her for awhile. Friends of mine took me in after the hospital, and it took me a long time to convince them to leave me unattended or give me back my guns (note: I fear being disabled, which is why I didn't attempt to use a firearm)
Over the coming months, I healed mostly. A few months later I met another girl that is a far better match for me (been together almost 4 years and have a happy home). Work is better. My mental health is better. I have cats. I have new hobbies. Surprisingly I don't SEEM to have any long term damage, though I was warned that I might have issues later in life with what I put my organs though. Oh well. We all go sometime.
I'm not in that place right now. But the one thing I will NEVER forget is that sense of peace. I KNOW that if things ever get that bad again, I'll make sure to try again, but be more careful (AGAIN, NOT SUICIDAL TODAY). I've lost people I've known to suicide since, and I always fell one of two things: Either extreme sorrow when I from what I can tell, it was a temporary issue that would have resolved, or extreme pride and happiness, that they have moved on and are at peace, and were able to end whatever their struggle was on their own terms (things like severe illness, or in one case facing a long prison sentence for something relatively minor that got out of control)
I still can't drink blueberry smoothies though. That taste just reminds me too much of that night.