[Serious] What lie are you living?

(2/2)

I, my pathetic self in a terrible state of mind, got LSD from some friend I hardly even knew and tripped with him on a heavy dose. The friend in question I never met and only knew online prior and could've been a sociopath for all intents an purposes. In fact, I had previously removed this person from my life because they were manipulating me and isolated me from all the people I knew. (Note: I'm lucky that this person fundamentally changed their personality before our meeting together again.)

I had a completely transformative, terrifying experience that lasted nearly the whole day and revealed to me the terrors of what I was doing, the kind of person I truly was as I was in myself, and that person I saw as despicable. I wanted to tear the whole of who I was away, and tripping on a high dose of acid, that sure did happen. I felt as who I was slipped away and disintegrated and all that I was, was to process stimuli. That and nothing more. Then, gradually, my being and my values began surfacing and I saw and felt each one as it was, as I was and as many people are. I knew the fallibility of my mind and the perception of the world. Before I had entertained, idly, a notion of god or afterlife, but that too faded away as the mysticism of existing and true unknowledge of the world crept into me and I felt (and still do) complete fear of death. Fortunately, that friend was my trip sitter and not a psycho out to kill me or manipulate me and actually led me from that edge and for a moment I knew universal human love, as it should be without need for some gain in the future or some trading.

I would tell my then boyfriend about it and he told me about how that weekend he cheated on me and about the girls he fucked, and more than anything never to do LSD again. Nothing changed, neither I or the relationship, and I'd like to justify it by saying that after my experience, I only felt more worthless and insignificant in my position in the world, but in truth I just wanted actual love I still felt denied and felt as if it was just around the corner, with every promise that would roll in. Each and every day.

I've since seen my boyfriend.I went to visit him 6 months after. I fucked up ordering the tickets and used $800 of a $1400 windfall I had received earlier that year instead of $400 for roundtrip tickets. He didn't want me to be out or presenting around his uncle or father, the two family members he had. I spent two weeks with him and he denied any advanced to be intimate with me, was uncomfortable with me in body, but his words would say he was fine and it was okay. I would rub his back and show him affection which his family wasn't around and I don't think he so much as touched me back more than once. We went camping one of those weekends and spent 10 minutes alone looking at a river together. It was heaven to me while it lasted. It's the most time I ever spent alone with him in person.

Now, we've been distant for the last 2 weeks. At least 5 months since I saw him. I don't care. I think I can finally break free of this spell that I am so ashamed of. Every time I stop thinking about him, he somehow knows and shoots a benign text. I've been out actually meeting people in person. Not relationship wise, but trying to get friends. I met people after class and I went to a support group for transgender individuals in my area. I'm thinking about joining a club on campus.

I still have no friends though. At least friends in any bigger sense than having their phone number and occasionally running into each other. I speak about my life to no one and feel the intensity of my narrative and experience burning my mind and I feel so much more that I could never explain in a response to this thread, to appear as any more than some whiny douche without self-control. To adopt some guy as my religion, my all, and put my corrupted faith into him and never turn away. To have all these connections over the internet and not in person like an actual person.

I feel like I should feel nothing about all of this, because it is all self-inflicted. My decisions were what led to the results, with full cognizance of the possible consequences. With wasted time in a person who had no care of my life, who wanted the unbridled attention and love I'd shower him with in hopes that I would get a drop back. By choosing to accept the strain that is living in this household. I allow myself to be broken into so many separate fragmented personalities by the doctrines of the different environments I simultaneously adopt, a person for each conflicting set of situations.

I know the pain of my own insecurities, so I love others through theirs. I know the pain of all of my mistakes, so I love other people through theirs. I love my brother and I loved my father. I want to be able to love everyone in my life, whether they know it or not, because I'm really tired of pain being around. I'm having a hard time with this, but I'm trying to learn to love my mother.

I'm really hoping one day I don't have to pretend to be anyone but myself.

(Sorry for the long post, I really didn't expect to be writing this but I got caught up when tears began streaming down my face and I decided to say fuck sleep.)

/r/AskReddit Thread Parent