[Serious] What lie are you living?

I hear you man. I'm fucking miserable. I fucked up huge in the past and basically destroyed what I had going on. I've lost all friends, I don't have much in the way of family that cares about me, I'm just a miserable 30-something guy with basically nothing going on in my life.

I don't even want to start over. When you lose friends and trust in people that you knew for ages, it really takes a toll. As a result of my past I basically don't trust anybody. People suck, sometimes it takes a long time to realize this, people who you trusted immensely before can betray you, and I'm no saint in this, I've done my fair share of fucking things up.

So I sit most days alone day-dreaming about killing myself. My situation really is a double-edged sword. I feel alone, but I also don't really want friends. I've been fucked over too many times by people that I put a lot of trust and love in.

I think about offing myself all the time. Even when I'm in a "good" (read apathetic) mood. I just feel like there's nothing for me in this life. I'm just dust in the wind. I'm not particularly smart, I'm not particularly skilled, I'm not attractive, I'm just... here, wasting resources, offering little to nothing for humanity. My life is just one big fucking endless routine, I'm just going through the motions.

I've tried seeking a psychiatrist, I've tried antidepressants, and all they do for me is squash the bit of creativity I have and make me feel apathetic about everything. I don't even really get nervous anymore about anything. I'll come to work late as fuck, not caring. I'll get called into my boss's office to get yelled at, I don't really care. I used to feel nervous about things like this, not anymore. Now I'm struggling to decide between apathy and depression, at least off the pills I feel something.

Loneliness kills.

/r/AskReddit Thread Parent