almost all of my happiness and hopes for my friendships are held up by daydreaming. most of my emotions are sourced from frustration and anger. my best friend hasnt answered my texts in months and im worried. i cant keep my grades up because of my struggle to focus and commit to work. im overweight and im just not motivated enough to do something about it and i usually convince myself that ill be fine but its just a front for being lazy. no matter how hard i try to worry as much as i should about these things, i just find myself an excuse to ignore it by sleeping and gaming it off.
a lot of my worries and troubles come from my past. i used to be the worst fucking monster of a child and it harbored huge consequences for my social life and reputation. i was never nice to anyone because i got off on making people feel afraid of me. i made a moderately successful comeback before school closed, but the real changes happened over the last few months. there are several people that i could have been so tight with if i didnt act the way i did. i was the kid that you would learn my routine so you could avoid me, the one that even though you have remorse and empathy, it would still bring you joy to hurt me. it sounds really edgy but its genuinely how it went down.
i love all of my friends dearly, i wouldnt be here if it wasnt for them, it hurts me that my older friends have seen me at my worst and have been subject to my behavior. and thats about it. its kinda specific but thats the whole thing. thank you for reading this <3