I'm pretty sure I'm a zoophile. I can't think of any reason I'd be like that, other than it being innate. There are some animals I think I are really really sexy, and no amount of reason can convince me otherwise. I know acting on those impulses would break many laws, and possibly many parts of my body, but my libido just doesn't listen to my brain. It's there, and I don't think I can get rid of it.

It's one thing to think you're alone—it's another to have near scientific proof of it. Every time a thread like this comes up, I try to search for someone else like me. Almost always, there's nothing. When there is, people react in shock and revulsion. But sometimes, there's a glimmer of hope. Someone attempts to defend it, and some people listen. And that's been happening more and more lately.

Am I a monster? Not many people have to ask themselves that question. I have. And after months of wracking my brain, I don't think I am. I'm still me. I don't want to hurt anyone—or anything. If anything, this makes me want to behave better, as an example. I want to show that you can be like this and still be good person. I don't think having sexual desire towards animals necessarily means you want to hurt them. Whether actually doing the act hurts them or not is a different debate, but I know, I know that malice is not always the motivation. Because if it is, I can't exist, right?

Still, it's ambiguous enough that I've decided to never give in to those desires. The risk to myself is great, I don't want to risk hurting anything, and I know I can be aroused by humans, I'm just not sure how much. I want to make a normal relationship work. I really do. It's just… I don't have any spark to start one. I don't know if I can. I've never been in a relationship, and I've never felt a need for one. Am I asexual towards humans? Or is it just social phobia blocking my hormones? I don't know. I hear people talking about wanting a relationship all the time, but rarely about whether they think they can muster the passion for it.

Am I alone? I don't know. I know there's places online where people like this gather, like r/zoophilia, obviously, but that's hardly comforting. Anyone can meet on the internet, but what about real life? Is there a single other person going through this in a 10 or even 20 mile radius? I don't know. There's a very real possibility that, no, there isn't, I'm the only one. In a room filled to the brim with people, I can say, with some confidence, that I'm the only person going through this. And even if I'm wrong, how could I prove it?

Anyone like this stays in hiding, I imagine, whether they give into their desires are not. I know I do. I'm terrified of it getting out. I haven't even done anything, and I don't plan to, but I'm still terrified, just because my thoughts are depraved. I worry constantly about getting some social cue wrong and revealing the extent of my depravity. I'm scared of applying for a job and getting a background check, even though I have trouble imagining what they could even find. I'm scared of even typing in anything related to it into Google. I mean, if someone tried hard enough, they could find me, right? I feel like any government job is outside my reach, because they could potentially have surveillance networks at their disposal. I know that's probably useless paranoia, but it's hard to talk myself out of it. Even this post feels like a monumental risk for me, and I can only hope that I spend so much time groveling I'm deemed a low risk.

Picture all the stress of being in the closet, except without any glimmer of hope. There's no community to come to your rescue. There's no one to talk to about your issues, especially face-to-face. Your condition is hardly even studied, just hidden. Your suffering won't make a magazine spread. The most accepting people on earth won't even give you the time of day. Even in prison you'd be viewed as the lowest of the low. What hope is there?

I'm doing pretty good with it now. I don't know how, but I am. Luckily, I've had some friends that have been supportive of me during this, and I've been very grateful for that. I've started viewing it as a disorder, a disability I have to cope with, even though I know it behaves much more like a sexual orientation. It's easier like that. If I was really proud of being like this, like people say you should be if you're gay, the world would seem like a constant enemy. Having some self-deprecation makes it easier to cope with.

I can't let it control me. It's silly to let sex control your life, right? Especially if you're just worried about your fantasies? Still, though, being constantly aroused by something the entire world says you shouldn't be is quite traumatizing. There's a very real fear in that, one I don't think many people ever consider.

And whenever that fear comes back, because it does, I wonder, once again…

Am I a monster?