idk where to start really because so much of this has been going on for most of my life and i just started figuring things out. but to make it short: bipolar disorder, dissociation, depression, anxiety, chronic insomnia, substance abuse, alcoholism, you get the idea, add to that the fact that i'm a bisexual woc in a not so tolerant country + a rough childhood and things can get pretty fucked. the past two years have been very hard for me especially after i was sexually abused. every friday i'd try to kill myself. got into four comas, a few ODs and a stay in rehab. i've been more in control since but i'm always so afraid of relapsing. when i woke up from my last coma, i was covered in blood and had been unconscious for three days, i just looked at the dried blood on my clothes and thought 'this can't go on'. the problem is, it's only getting harder: i'm in my early 20's, simple tasks like concentrating on my readings, controlling my mood swings, getting up in the morning to shower and feed myself, all these things are so hard to achieve. i can't afford my meds so i need to double the efforts in order to 'function' everyday. do i want to live? yes, but i'm not sure it's worth it or that i'd be able to go on long enough. people think about recovery as if it's something that you reach and stay at. you have to make choices everyday, and fight constantly; it's draining.