[Serious] What secret could destroy your life if it got out?

This shouldn't be too hard, I guess.

Firstly, I am male. I've once had a gay experience with another guy. We were younger than we are now, both around the same age, (now 17) and at the time were around 12 or 13. Me and a bunch of friends were staying over at his house, with his slightly older brother, also. We were having a typical night at an all-dude sleepover: pizza, video games, talking about girls, etc...

After all of our shenanigans, we eventually grew tired, so we all went to his room and started to try and sleep. Knowing that no one I know will probably ever read this, I am comfortable using his real name. Me and Caine were the only two awake after everyone else fell asleep. We were the only two on the ground, as all of our friends took the beds.

After just watching tv and playing some more games, we decided to see who had a bigger dick. I don't remember what led up this or what discussion we had. It was seemingly out of the blue. Anyways, we whipped out our peckers, and checked. I won, having the larger by just a few inches, but way ahead in girth. I remember us both being astonished, because at this time I had no idea what circumcision was. I was never circumcised at birth because my mother wanted to leave me with the choice of doing so. I enjoy my little skin helmet and I think it's here to stay. He was circumcised though, and I had never seen a penis without the extra skin.

We were both very curious. We both knew what sex was and how it happened, but both we both said we never thought of doing such a thing with another guy. So we both consented to trying it with each other. First, we played with each other's dicks. It was harder for me because his was dry and harder to jerk, but he had an easy time with mine. I eventually used lotion. After that, we both gave each other blowjobs. It was strange at first, but noticed how much easier it got with time. Receiving was wonderful, and we actually started helping one another with techniques, (less teeth, more tongue, etc...)

This went on back and forth for about twenty minutes, until we decided to try anal. I received first. It was painful in the beginning, but later, it actually felt... good. I was feeling stimulation I had NEVER experienced before and still am not quite sure how I feel about it. Then it was my turn to show my stuff. This was me losing my virginity, so being inside another person's body, so warm and alive, was very new. I liked it. We both finished and cleaned ourselves off before going to sleep. We didn't say anything to each other when we were done. We just fell asleep, acted as if nothing ever happened the next morning, and I left for home.

We don't talk anymore, and I haven't shared it with anyone. Ever since then we grew very distant and he kind of became a player who just got with girls to have sex and find the next thing he could hump. To be honest, I don't even like the guy he's turned into. I don't think he could ever mention it to anyone, as it would hurt his image to being so infatuated with girls, but I wish we could have talked about how we felt. I think it would've helped me understand more.

Ever since, I've tried replicating what happened that night by sticking things up my butt. I do this very rarely, maybe twice every six months. It usually leaves me sore for a day or two, which leads to me to not doing it very often. When watching porn, I find myself watching transsexual women, but have not ventured into gay man on man porn yet. I am willing to have sex with another man again, fully understanding what it is to do so, not just partially when I was very young. I view myself as a bisexual, as I'm used to and love the female anatomy and very curious on exploring with other men.

Now, everyone I know considers me straight, (I've had a few girlfriends that I had feelings for/attractions to.) Recently I've been thinking about it a lot, and this thread was perfect for me to share. If I came out, I would lose a small amount of friends and some family, mostly older aunts and uncles and probably my grandpa who are VERY old fashioned, and don't accept homosexuality/bisexuality. I love my mother and I know she would accept me for who I am, as well as my sisters who I have lived with my whole life.

I have been severely depressed ever since I can remember. After what I feel was a series of unfortunate events, I tried to end my life about a year ago. I was admitted to a mental health hospital for minors for two weeks. After trying all these medicines, I felt uncomfortable and didn't like the way they just tossed pills at me left and right, so I stopped going to the sessions with a therapist they set up for you after leaving the hospital and taking the meds all together. I did try to let them help me though, and I spilled my guts to the therapist to get some advice, but I was still too afraid to talk to her about my experience with Caine.

If you have any more questions about my depression, feel free to ask about it. I just didn't want that to detract away from my experience that is oh so hard to share.

I'm also sorry that this is terribly long, but it is the first time I've ever shared this with anyone and just let whatever was on my chest flow through my fingers. Thank you very much if you took the time to read this and thank you to the user who made the thread, it has been very relieving and helpful.

/r/AskReddit Thread