The fact that I used to be in the army until I had a mental breakdown that had been building my whole life and I destroyed any future I may have had in the military doing what I dreamt of doing my whole life. I tried to kill myself(reasons leading up to me doing this is an even longer wall of text) by cutting up my arms but I was stopped by two platoon sergeants breaking down the door and physically restraining me. Ironically enough I was a 68X (behavioral health technician) yet there I was, on the other side. Not the doctor, but the patient in a psych ward for more than a month. I knew what I wanted. As soon as the ambulance carted me off and I was taken up to the ward, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to die. A big flaw in the system that I had never seen exploited when I was working, was the fact that some people wore glasses and obviously what do glasses have? Glass. What does glass mean to a suicidal person? A means to end it. Who wore glasses? I did. So in the middle of the night, the first one as soon as I played along and they let me out of solitary, I popped the lens out and started cutting. Only reason I'm still alive is that a doctor came in to find me and run more blood work because my potassium was very low. The fact that I didn't eat a lot of bananas is why I'm alive basically. I got restrained put back in solitary, saw new doctors, talked a lot, lots of charts etc. Skip forward to when I get back home to my parents house. They kick me out in a few months when I had no job, car, or income of any kind and by some miracle I was able to find a place and find a job working security and now I live alone with my two cats, just trying to survive each day and playing video games as much as I possibly can because it makes me feel like I am connecting to someone in the world and I don't feel that in day to day life at all. I just wish I felt loved from somewhere. You know those movies or novels where the boy meets the girl in the psych ward? I was dreaming for a scenario like that because it just feels like being loved by someone would just completely change me inside. If this was know by anyone I knew, yeah it would completely shape an opinion of me for them. I just feel like shit enough. Scars up and down both arms. What could I possibly do with that advertising to the world how fucked up I am? So much just wrong with me and my life. No one needs to know.