When I was little, I did sexual things with my older brother.

Around the ages of 5-12 years old, my brother would tell me to mess with him sexually. At the time I knew what we were doing was wrong, but at the same time I was too scared to tell him that we needed to stop. He would also do this to my older sister who is 2 years older than me. He's 5 years older than me, so he was around 10 years old at the time it started. We would go under his bed and he would tell me to play with his penis or kiss him. I was terrified of my parents walking in or finding out. One day specifically, we almost did get caught. We were both under the bed while he had his pants down and I was playing with his penis. My mom was walking to the room and we had to pull everything up super fast before she walked in. I don't really remember if he ever played with my body around that age, but I have a feeling he just felt up on me. This is probably the reason why I have a porn addiction and why I started thinking of sexual things as a young kid. I started masturbating in 2nd grade and also had my first orgasm. I felt so different from all the kids, because I mean, what 2nd grader thinks about these types of things?

This lasted for years between my brother and me until around 6th grade when he tried to dry hump me on the couch. I never had the courage to tell him to stop, but that day I screamed out to him and told him to quit. I threatened to tell our parents that he did this to me and my sister. My sister would always just say let it go, but in my mind I knew it was incredibly wrong from him to do this. I mean, he's not a bad person whatsoever. He's my brother and I still love him. I don't know what possessed him to start experimenting at a young age, but I do forgive him for what he has done. Since then, it hasn't happened. I'm currently 18 years old now and he's 23. Me and my brother have an amazing relationship and we haven't mentioned what has happened in the past. It's constantly in the back of my mind, though.

If my parents knew about this secret, I don't think it'd necessarily ruin my life, but it would ruin my brothers. I care about other people's feelings before mine. I love my brother and I wouldn't want him to go through hell just because of one little thing he did when he was super young. I have told my youth group and youth leaders that I trust. It feels so much better to share my story, but then again I don't ever think I could go through with telling my parents. They would feel ashamed. I don't want to live on not sharing my secret to my parents before they eventually pass one day. I just don't know how to tell them.