3. [Serious] What stole your joy? Why do you not have the same zest for life that y...

[Serious] What stole your joy? Why do you not have the same zest for life that you once did?

I never understood love. Possibly i was neglected as a child. Didnt understand how to socialize properly until high school.

My dad told me to stop crying, at that moment I stopped crying at 12 because i realized i had no more tears left for myself. Plus side i got a dog that would be my best friend. Had my first crush, asked for help and got publicly embaressed. First tike i felt like i should kill myself.

At 14 i wanted to figure out what is wrong with me so i tried drugs. It numbs the void.

At 16 i got caught with drugs and put in a lockdown in my own room for 6 months. No communiction no friend. Just me and 4 white walls. No tv , cell phone. I wish i was dead so i jumped off the second story hoped i didnt break my legs and met up with my friends for a few hours of fun. Worth it. Same year i wanted to stop celebrating my birthday. Celerating a birthday is celebrating a life. I wished for the same thing every year since. A short and painless death.

At 18 went to the doctor appointment and realized i had a lot of mental issues, ADD beind the first. Many more to follow.

22 i went to UC got my freedom finally. Did drugs and drink to heal. Went to doctors, therapy and psychologist to say i tried everything to help myself.

25 graduated UC. It was fun made new friends. Life was looking up finally. Then my dog died, i cried. Nothing is the same afterward. Depression set in. Lets just work so time could heal me. Same time i decided i wanted to sell my mind body soul for money.

30 Failed my project. Stress overload for months giving it 100% effort. It destroyed me. Picking up the pieces of my shattered life to rebuild. The joy and light in my life dimmed. My ambition extinguished. Nothing has been the same since.

31 a year has gone by i still feel nothing. Friend are dying in front of me and it doesnt faze me. i realized i dont deserve love because no one really loved me. I wish the feeling of eternal purgatory would end. I really don't want to live that long.

I understand there are many form of love. Friends, family and lovers. Luckily i have friends thay love me. I never found love in myself. Living is now a chore to please my friends. Having more money didnt make me happier just felt like i wasted the past 5 years. Maybe i wasnt designed for love in the first place. I was designed to feel all the pain.

Where did it go wrong?

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