My dad uses to threaten to kill my mom. I'd sit in my room crying and wonder if I was next while he kicked her ass and they fought. When I was 11 my dad cheated one too many times. My mom worked like 2-to midnight or later. I'd get home from school at around 4. I'd get to see her on the weekends, but sometimes she worked Saturdays. So the day my parents split I lost my mom (sort of too). So I had to raise and take care of my 6 year old brother up until I left for college. We didn't always have enough. I escaped heavily into video games.

On top of this I was bullied in school for two years in 5th/6th. Depression hit in 7th grade. Lasted for the next 7-8 years. I visit home and PTSD hits and I break down a little. I remember the time I coughed up blood all over my pillow, the days I'd grab my dad's coke bag and run around saying you can't catch me.

I now struggle with Addiction. Not to escape but because on some days it feels like the only way I can "feel" anymore. Now a days I'm either pretty cheerful or numb. Emotions are almost optional for me.

I can't really remember what having a loving relationship with someone else is like. It's just been me or me taking care of others. I don't really emotionally connect with anyone. I can make others think it to a point, but they'll catch on. Like for example I can have sex with a girl, but holding her hand in public makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I don't like how being emotionally connected feels.

When I drink, I just want to hold someone and know that this is OK and natural. When I'm sober, I make sure to make myself unattractive to others if I catch them starting to eye me. I'm uncomfortable using the word mom at times, because I'd rather she not care about me. I could disappoint her or something.

I'm well liked and cheerful. I have made peace with most of my past. But I haven't yet figured out how to allow myself to truly connect to others. I can only project a controlled illusion. I'm aware and working on it.