[Serious] What is your experience with mental illness?

My wife has schizo-affective disorder. It's evil. It's vile. You know that disgust for Alzheimer's? Imagine if someone had episodes of not being themselves their entire life, not just as they get older.

My wife loses it sometimes. It's so unbearable. She just walks around smoking and talking to herself about weird things. She doesn't eat. She doesn't sleep. She doesn't go to work. She just talks about bullshit.

"I saw Barry. He said he would kill that girl's head if she looked at him. No-no-no motherfucker. He said he wanted to fuck that Aryan bitch from the Singaporian mafia. 'God, kill his head' I told her."

Imagine trying to sleep with someone walking in to your room saying that shit. You have to be at work at 8 AM, and it's now 3 and you haven't fallen asleep. You beg your wife to please go in the living room to talk to herself, and she does... for 5-6 minutes. Then her talking gets louder. Now it's screaming.

"Come on, motherfucker! I saw him with Janey! Janey from Jewria! I'll fucking cut his dick off while he sleeps. I'll fucking sew his sheets toegther and beat him with a 2x4! She only showed up cuz he was with the Mexican mafia!"

Imagine that. How do I sleep? I don't think she'll ever hurt me, but what if she did?

"Honey, please go see your doctor"

She won't even acknowledge me. So I call the doctor. They send a crisis team to my house and she shuts up and doesn't talk in front of them. But she's still acting weird and they can tell. But she isn't dangerous. Sure, she says awful things, but that doesn't make her dangerous.

I go to the courthouse and file a petition to have her committed. And I have to lie. I have to say she threatened me. I have to say she seems like she might carry out her threats.

The sheriff shows up to take her away and I'm crying like a baby and my heart is racing because I know why they're here. They grab her and I put her shoes on her feet. They lead her to the car and she is screaming for god to kill me because she knows I did this. My chest feels like a vacuum as she rolls away. Empty and hollow, collapsing.

She calls a few hours later and says she is leaving me because I did this to her again. I tell her I will do it to her 1,000 times if she needs it. I do it because I love her and no one else will help her if I don't. She'd be one of those bums mumbling to herself, sleeping in an alley somewhere.

I do because I love her, when she's herself.

I'd like to think she'd do it for me. But I need help too sometimes. I always think about killing myself. Always. All day. Every day. I imagine my blood spraying all over the wall behind me. I imagine my wife and daughter finding my body. My daughter is pleased that I'm gone. My wife is devastated. My dog is barking for help. And my cat is still scared and hiding under my bed.

I've watched this scene in my head a million times. My wife knows it because I've told her. She won't help me. She can't. She's got her own issues.

I've always had to be everyone's rock. But I get weak too, sometimes. Even I need a rock sometimes.

I miss meth a lot. I used to do it. I haven't been happy since I quit.

But I love my wife, as crazy as she can get sometimes. She's usually a wonderful lady.

I'm sorry.

/r/AskReddit Thread