Hi there. I have more insight into this than most, and it's something I think about daily, so I'll share my thoughts.

I tried to kill myself about two months ago. I took about 100 pills, including SSRIs, painkillers and Ativan, and washed them down with 6 coolers. I ended up getting found shortly after in a pool of vomit, but still very much alive.

The thing I struggle with is that I regret not succeeding. I first tried to kill myself when I was 21, 7 years ago. I regret not succeeding then too. I'm terribly scared that if I make it to be an old man, I'll still regret not killing myself. If the last 10 years are anything to go by, I'll likely still be very much depressed by then. It's a pattern that I can't seem to make go away.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation and seasonal affective disorder. I've been working with my doctor, many therapists, the local crisis team and psych ward since my first attempt. I've undergone electroconvulsive therapy, read a dozen books on the matter, countless articles, I've lost 50 pounds, got a personal trainer, started eating healthy. I've been in a long term relationship, a couple short term ones, made new friends, kept up with old ones, and I'm close with my family. I've done just about everything people have suggested to me that might help with this.

Still everyday takes an eternity. It feels like I've been writing this response for an hour, but when I look down at the clock only minutes have passed. Ever had a job like that? Well that's what every minute of every day is like for me. The worst part is I know I shouldn't be like this; I know something's wrong with me. I have a pretty good life, people who love me, all that stuff. But it doesn't keep me from feeling like shit constantly.

I'm in the process of working with a company in Switzerland, Dignitas, and hopefully they will assist in ending my life. They have only done it for a few people in my type of situation, and even less often for foreigners, but I'm still hopeful. I'm going for a full psychological assessment tomorrow actually, which is the next step in the process.

In Canada, not even the terminally ill have the option of ending their life legally. I'm not in favor of suicide booths or anything like that- but it would be nice if there was a process I could go through here where my situation would be assessed and I could at least argue that I should have the right to end my life. I didn't opt in to this world, I should at least have the option to opt out. Instead, if I want to end my life here, it has to me done messily. I don't know if it'll be pills, a gun, or driving headfirst into an 18-wheeler on the highway, but none of those are particularly enticing options. I would give anything for a safe, effective way to end my life.

What is my opinion of people who commit suicide? I wish I had their courage. Yes, it sucks in situations where people are left behind, especially kids. But nobody goes through with suicide without having given it a great deal of thought, and if they come to the conclusion that suicide is what's best for them, I totally understand where they're coming from.

Thanks for reading and have a nice day.