Two things drive me. When I'm in a good mood it's creating excitement and joy in others, but when I'm the pits it's pure spite that keeps me going, honestly.

When I was in the depths of a depressive episode, alternating between wailing and staring at walls, I rang a helpline. Through tears and disbelieving laughter I explained to the woman my seemingly very good life and yet how suicidal I felt, how hopeless it all was. She said "well yes there doesn't seem to be anything in your life to be depressed about, I don't know what to say to you". At the half hour mark she was quick to ask me if she'd helped me, I stammered a "yes" out of politeness and then she hung up. She had to help others I know, but she seemed disappointed the entire conversation, like I wasn't worthy of her help. By that point the worst of my anxiety attack was over and I was raw enough to instead grow a ball of rage. I vowed to finish my qualification purely to spite her. It was hard but I did it.

But then, a few years after, came a real will to live. People wrote to tell me they enjoyed my writing. Sometimes they even used jargon I'd invented to discuss the ideas and then develop their own. Someone even said it was their fave and it cheered them up. Something I'd made had a positive impact on others. That's crazy. It's an amazing feeling. So, sparking joy and enthusing others to imagine and create is what I want my will to live to be, and I'm slowly working on keeping to that mindset and life instead :)