As a child I was molested by one parent, emotionally abused by the other. As I grew up I turned to drugs and alcohol and know am considered the black sheep of the family a little bit.

I told my sister what happened and she didn't believe me. She probably thinks I'm crazy from all the drugs that I've done because when my sister asked about what I had told her, she was told that I have lost my mind from the drugs.

As a result of this I do not trust anyone and although I am not a virgin it is almost impossible for me to be emotionally or physically attached to someone I know well. Strangers or acquaintances are no problem. I can love and copulate with people I am not close to. 99 percent of people are out to harm me. I know my thinking is warped, but I cannot change it.

I was the baby of the family and thus much adored and much time devoted to me although I was abused. They were both good and bad parents. After distancing myself from my parents my sister is now relishing in the new found favoritism and attention. I'm the loser and the outsider of the family now.

I'm also dying in other ways...

I am a college graduate, with a 128 iq and I have only worked dead end jobs with no career in sight. I am up to my eyeballs in debt.

I have a gift of love and writing and songwriting to give to the world, (I have been told by people that I am talented and some have gone as far as to call me a creative genius and some have likened my music to many different famous artists, I'm good but I don't know if I'm that good) but instead of spreading this gift, I have instead chosen to do nothing because in the end it doesn't matter what I do. We all end up in oblivion anyways.

All of that I can handle, I have survived it and I am surviving it right now, I can and will find a way to manage. But the one thing that is killing me, the one thing that tears me apart inside is when I come home for the holidays and I have to pretend like nothing happened and that everything is okay and sometime when I scan the room I can see the looks of sadness and/or pity in their eyes and I know it is because of me.