My older brother, aged 33, passed away 3 weeks ago. He had a drinking problem for many years which we were trying to help him with. He was a stubborn guy that just couldn't live like other people do. Always the leader to his friends, the person we all went to for advice, even if it was the worst advice. Most people that knew him loved him, others hated him for who he was. His last binge drinking episode had almost killed him. So i found him a rehab abroad, some place fancy. He liked the look of it so he went. He was doing really well. First time i had spoken to him for years and he seemed genuinely happy. He was let out of rehab a couple of days early and my dad was to meet up with him a couple of days later. Thats when his phone went dark. He checked himself into a hotel and hadnt told us the name. We were obviously really worried, thought that he had fallen of the wagon and gotten lost running around this foreign place. We kept trying but nothing. 2 days later my dad got to the country and went straight to the police to ask if he had been found. He had. The hotel didnt realize he had passed in the room for 3 days. Worst phone call i ever received from my dad. Ive never heard or seen my dad cry. I called my mum straight after, hardest call i ever had to make. I got the next flight out to meet my dad. The state of his body was really bad. Heart failure. Since the country was a little behind it was awful. We decided to cremate the body rather than bury him. So we did it there. Just me and my dad. Ill never forget the smell taking my brother to the crematorium in the coroners van. I know its still fresh and im gonna need time to grieve. But i just cant let it out, havent cried once, just this feeling of despair pulling me down. The worst thing is I hadnt seen him in over 15 months. I really looked up to him and now he's gone. My hands shake, I cant sleep, eat or concentrate. I've started drinking. Just a few, then before I know it i'm passed out. I hate pity. I just need to know these things happen and thats life. My job means I work in a god awful country. I have no friends in this country. Not one. But i need to work to take my mind off whats really going on. I'm always a very very chirpy guy. Reddit helps me take my mind off things and gets me back to my fun loving self. But then all of a sudden there's this cloud that sucks the energy, humour and life right out of me. I'm ranting on i know. Just needed to let it out as can't talk to anyone about it. I have a gf in another country, and parents, but I dont want to burden them.