[Serious] What's your experience with borderline personality disorder?

My mother has it. I haven't talk to her in years, and I feel horrible for anyone who has the misfortune to get close to her.

I don't care that it's a disease. She didn't maintain her mental health, and denied it was an issue. She lashed out at people, manipulated like it was a high art form, she gaslit me and everyone around her to such a degree that most of my family thinks I am being crazy for refusing all contact with her. She would shift from being brutally neglectful to acting like her children were the only reason she was alive.

She had an extreme victimization/abandonment complex and such impulsivity that required we move every few weeks because "people were talking shit about her" She'd jump in an out of relationships with what I call the "parade of terrible boyfriends" We'd move states away at the drop of a hat. I transferred schools multiple times a year. Every year. She dated men who were in prison, she dated successful businessmen, it was constant as much as it was chaotic. In spite of all of this her charisma is something to behold. People fall over themselves for her, and she ruins their lives. She's ruined businesses, and marriages, and the mental and emotional fortitude of every person I have ever seen her get close too.

The splitting was the worse part. Her treatment of me when she was dealing with that still fucks with me. I assume that I can go from wonderful perfect golden child to literally satan in about 5 seconds. I could watch the switch in her eyes, or her tone, or that way she held her weight. Because of this I'm freakishly overactive to basic shifts in body language and tone. Knowing that being extremely sensitive to criticism is one of the markers for BPD, but also a learned behavior from decades of emotional abuse, I keep tabs on my mental health that people have commented on how emotionally and mentally balanced I am.

I have huge gaps in my childhood memories, because of the gaslighting. I am sure of things at points but she would shift them, call me crazy, that I was making it all up and that she was doing the best she could, and then minutes later beg me to tell her how horrible she was, and then she'd cry and scream at me and then laugh all within a few minutes. If I argued too much about the validity of my memories she'd threaten to kill herself, or my brother. I consider my mother trying to kill herself at the same level of seriousness as being grounded and I visited her in the hospital after attempts.

Mix this with random fits of uncontrollable rage (In which she would get into physical altercations with my brother, who is like a 6'1 violent felon.) Or horrific paranoia, usually about "fuckers trying to ruin everything, talking shit." but every now and again she'd go more off the deepend and refuse to allow me to go to school because "I couldn't leave her like this, with the people under the cars, with the shotguns." Occasionally this would dissipate into zombie like disassociation in which she would forget who we were, or where she was, she'd just space out for a few days.

Couple all this with being addicted to meth. She still sends me terrifying messages on fb on burner accounts, claiming to be such a good mother.

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