I feel bad in one sense posting this, because I love and respect my wife. But I want you to know that my wife and I overcame this problem.

I don't know if vaginismus is a physical or mental problem, or both. In my wife's case she overcame it (more on that shortly). I've also heard stories about women who had vaginismus with one partner suddenly having great sex with a new partner. Every situation is different.

We were married several years and unable to achieve penetration (I literally feel your pain on the rug burn thing). She also had severe anger issues which almost destroyed our relationship. As time went on I realised she did not respect me as "the man of the house" and I started to feel that this was possibly what was behind the lack of penetration (subconsciously or otherwise).

Her anger issues became legendary when she would call me at work. Eventually my female supervisor told me that despite women wanting equality and independence, sometimes you just have to say "listen here bitch, settle down". She told me some women legitimately need to hear that message (I'm just repeating what she told me, don't flame me!)

Eventually I lost the will to go on when things escalated one day, so I left the house and resisted any contact from her for two days before coming home and laying down the law. I got her parents involved and told them the reason we hadn't produced any grandchildren (I almost regretted that as they treated her like dirt for a whole year afterwards). However, this was to signal the shift in our relationship. By the end of that year she got pregnant and our sex life is great now. But for ten years there seemed to be no hope and I hung on out of sheer will-power.