I made a choice to wear it when I was 9 because it was a trend in my class, so I wanted to be a part of it. However when I went to high school, I no longer wanted to wear it.
During the period when it was my choice, I loved it and it made me feel as though I was a better person. I loved the appraisal from my family and it made me feel 'mature'. However, when I started high school, I no longer wanted to wear it.
That didn't sit well with my dad.
I decided not to wear it anymore when I went out, but I still wore it to school. Now that I didn't want to wear it, it made me feel angry and annoyed when I did . It also made me feel not as 'girly' (I was 12) because my friends would talk about hairstyles and hair colours and also fashion but I could never get involved because I was stuck with the fucking hijab.
Later when I was around 13 I became an atheist. Now I wasn't just angry, I HATED wearing it from the bottom of my heart. Everyone (obviously) assumed I was muslim so they would do the normal thing like "oh that has gelatin" or "oh, that has alcohol" blah blah. I didn't care about that but the thing I hated was that I wanted to tell everyone soo badly that I am no longer a muslim, but I couldn't. The headscarf was almost like some sort of prison, chaining me to this religion that I no longer want to be associated with.
The problem was that things were getting so bad at home I decided that the easiest thing to do was to just try and be a 'born-again' muslim. I decided to wear the headscarf again when going out and it felt good because a.) it made me feel like I was more religious b.) the drama stopped c.) i recieved a lot of appraisal d.) my family began to trust me more and more e.) i no longer needed to do my hair all the time d.) i still looked fashionable (I became a hijabista) and e.) it made me feel like part of a community again.
Even though I tried to be a 'born-again' muslim, I simply couldn't because once you become an atheist, you can't believe in God again. Recently I realised that rather than blindly follow Islam just to please others, I should do what makes ME happy, which is accept my atheism.
Ofcourse now that I finally accepted that there was nothing wrong with being an atheist, my whole sense of morality changed and certain things which I considered wrong were no longer bad. I don't believe modesty makes you a better person and I think that it just encourages rape culture. It's demeaning and makes women almost like property. It's obviously sexist (I've always thought this) and it should be a choice if someone wants to wear it, and I choose not to.
It also made it easier when I went out because when I want to do non-muslim things such as buy non-halal food, people wouldn't look at me strangely or judge me. Also, some people treated me nicer which I know is wrong of THEM, but it felt good knowing that strangers didn't see me as a muslim anymore.
The problem is that things have never been better at home and I don't want to ruin it, so I pretend to wear it but take it off when I'm out of site. It's hard being sneaky and it just causes me to be paranoid. I occasionally feel guilty because my dad is so happy with me and I feel like I'm betraying his trust and that all this happiness is based on lies.
However, NOT wearing it empowers me and makes me feel like I'm finally taking control of my life. It's a decision i DON'T regret and I'm happier than ever.
Tl;dr
Positives - Appraisal - Closer to God - No longer need to do my hair every morning - Looks nice sometimes - Part of a community - Family trusts me - No arguments - There's no sneaking around and no paranoia
Negatives - There is no god so wearing it just to please him is pointless - It made me self-righteous and judgemental - It caused me to slut shame people for their outfits - It made me unhappy (when I wasn't a muslim) - I didn't exactly have a choice (pressure and emotional blackmail) - Encourages rape culture - It felt demeaning and made me feel like I'm property of my father - It made me feel like I couldn't fit in with non-muslims - Faced prejudices (even though I wouldn't if they knew I wasn't a muslim) - Sexist (different treatment between my brothers and I)
Sorry for the bad grammar/spelling, typed this on my phone.