Poly's just who I am... prior to learning more about it, I just didn't have a word for it. I had issues with relationships because I didn't want to be "owned", but I still wanted closeness and intimacy of all sorts, just not the dependency that came with it. Once I started having sex, I kept trying to just have NSA fun- which rarely worked out because people either wanted no closeness at all, or grew to want way too much... and then I tried relationships and it was just not good for me. I felt like there was something wrong with me because I didn't want what everyone wanted. It wasn't that I wanted to fuck a lot of people (but hey, sure that would be fun!) but that I wanted to strike some sort of balance between intimacy and dependency. I met my now-partner and I know exactly what I am now, it's crazy amazing to know that as well as I do. I am solopoly, with committed partners and great metas and tons of space to do me, as well as lots of opportunities to develop some really amazing, intimate, honest, yet open and non-restrictive connections. It's made everything in my life better: I'm happier, better at my job, more confident, more open and less scared... it didn't fix my life but it's kind of like looking at the world with the right prescription after years of squinting. I am not a jealous person by nature, not at least in the sense that I've seen other people be jealous. I am happy if my partner is happy and feeling squishy happytime feelings with metas or other partners, as long as our relationship is good and we are in a good place. I've been able to quickly process feelings of jealous and discover what they're really about (fear, resentment, needs being unmet, etc) so they don't seem to stick around long. But as I've said, poly is just who I am :) so I can't really be driven to be that way. I am mostly incredulous about how long I put up with being driven to try monogamy.