PART2 - I think (haha yes, I am indeed losing my mind and I do indeed belong in a mental hospital I think)

so anyway, my pathetic story. I don't make it to orientation, I'm crushed but determined to make it on my own, I was 8 hours away from home (the first time I tried, I went to California - I'm in Colorado- but my sickness drove me back - the second time I went to southern colorado 8 hours from my family, more of a resentful babystep, knowing something could happen again, being fucked up..I don't know...but I was determined to make it, and I was excited to be on my own again even though it was scary and I had had no success with people in the past) - I don't know, I'm a weird person, I was born..really really anxious, I have developed strangely haha as you might be able to tell by this rant, maybe I seem insane. I just wanted to make it at college, that is all I'm saying. I wanted to join the Peace Corps after college, I know that's cliche but..I had fantasies about it haha, I hoped I would be sent to a spanish speaking country because I really love speaking spanish, and I would love to be immersed - and I didn't think of Peace Corps as a saviorlike thing, just that..it would be cool to help people and get outside of the country at the same time? - it seemed..like..a wonderful way to understand another culture and truly travel in a way that wasn't vacation-y (I rarely got to travel as a child, and now even less-so/never because we don't have the money to, but I have always yearned to like..backpack around the world..this is probably cliche again, oh well..I had super cliche fantasies and I'm still ridiculously sad over losing the possibility of them, because at one point they seemed like..it could actually happen. and my sleep got worse and worse, my pain got worse and worse, I missed over a semester of school from the SEVERE unending insomnia and pain, nearly killing myself, going to the campus doctors, having an adverse reaction to trazodone etc. doing anything I could, I wanted to stay there so badly. I still got all As because I am a perfectionistic freak (not that intelligent, just devoted to impressing teachers because that's all I had as a teenager: my academic promise of change, that academics would bring me to a good college with interesting people to befriend - of course, I ended up going to the schools I could afford to go to (I got into the private school I wanted..Lewis and Clarke - in portland- but the scholarships only covered half of about the 50k tuition fee) - that was part of this whole mad thing though- the anxiety - the stress for..perfectionism..academic excellence or some such bullshit - I should have gave less of a fuck - but I pushed myself over the edge and worsened my illnesses and my insomnia to the point they were unsalvagable - that's what it feels like anyway - so I admit, much of that was my fault, but I truly couldn't seem to stop it, I was in therapy since I was six years old - I was also really fucked up since I was six years old - it is difficult to change - and I suppose the mental became physical? if nothign purely physical explains this, I don't know...I DON"T KNOW...fuck this whole thing is insane I despise my town, my family (that's why I'm away from them now, they do not want me there anymore anyway and I understand). I needed to have my own life, for my own sanity, not just my happiness - and then I was forced back here by my fucking illness, and now I'm in a fucking joke of a dysfunctional relationship (obviously - I met on okcupid because..I barely have the energy to meet anyone anymore - there was one friend from the time I tried to work (my sleep became out of control and I ended up in the ER and then in the mental hospital at one point..because the pain gets so much, that I really really long to die (even though..even after all of this, I still want to be alive. I still want life. I just don't want THIS this insomnia, this pain, this endless loop, do you see at all? probably no one will read this rambling thing and it's probably meaningless

my life is a mundane tragedy I don't understand haha, I used to think...my life would be kind of like the protagonist's in the book She's Come Undone she has sexual abuse as a child and is an ugly eating disordered wreck of a person, who has humiliating shit happen to her constantly, and who is too sensitive to take it (like me haha) - but she recovers, she experiences profound things, ordinary yet beautiful things, and she leads a fairly 'normal' functional life at the end I think (but not a true happy ending, just a beautifully ordinary one..I don't know how to explain this. obviously I love that book too much) - but I don't even think..I have that future anymore..even of just..tolerable ordinariness..not even..achievements I thought I would get to have...explorations I wanted - just the..'okayness' just the possiblity of that..I WANT THAT BACK - I want...a normal ordinary middle class life back - the ability to work every day, go home, sleep, wake up, do it again, whatever - I don't care about that cog shit anymore, I will do it, I just want the ability to live in my own little apartment, in a place very far from here, with a roommate..that maybe sucks but is in some way likable - I don't need the ideal life

I just want to be able to sleep and function. just please, god, fucking give me that..