PART3 (oh my god, who does this? apparently I do, just more evidence for how far gone I am hahaha)
god, I guess the whole point is...a website isn't going to help me my friend, and I hope you know that by now.
ALSO: I know this ENTIRE thing is really really comically pathetic - I know my life is fucking pathetic - I know my relationship is unhealthy - but without it..I wouldn't have any support, anyone to care for, anyone to help me to appointments, anyone to share things with, any place to live etc. etc. he is literally all I have after my illness devastated my life, he has stood by me hours into the night in the ER, while I get a CT scan or some other test or some medication for migraines (it is not migraines, but I relate to people with migraines and the people who have 'clusterheadaches' which I haven't had - but I'm just saying..there's a threshhold for pain, I don't htink my pain is worse than that..but when I can't sleep entirely - and that's at school - at work - trying to function because my body stops working..ugh, I can't explain how convoluted this is. the pain drives me to death even though I don't want to die..do you see? I think it would be a mercy to kill me honestly, I think this is endless at this point, you can't understand what three years of this feels like, you just can't, pain every day, your entire life stolen every day. no relief of sleep on your own, have to take seroquel which physically makes me feel like even more of a zombie, and dread taking the med each night and keep trying to sleep without it but it never works and I always spiral. SO many fucking times. I could show you my journals. the thing that wounds me most..is that..my days look exactly the same now as they did three years ago even after everything I have done and every method I have stuck with.. I try to get any relief from suicideinducing pain after not sleeping for too long (thankfully seroquel relieved this, and I do anything to avoid the ER now after being sent to the mental hospital where I was in the worst pain of my life but that's yet another insane story) and smoking pot a lot helped the most out of anything - so I became a stoner, though I despise it as I said, but I almost feel as if I don't have a choice, because I don't believe I can sustain myself without it - if nothing else can help this pain and this sleeplessness - I know my brain is mangled, I know my memory is horrid..whereas I used to be able to count on it so often..I don't know
the worst part is, I feel like my speech is so stupid now, all of this is a joke..and I should be ashamed of this and I will delete this very soon once I regret it, once the drugs wear off a bit
sorry, I just hate this. I just want someone to help me -directly- not refer me to something else, not put a pill in me - direct me to somewhere, someone, some expert in the field that can help me - who can I ask that will do that? where can I find that? even that probably won't work because medicine just isn't there yet, we hardly know anything about sleep - sleep clinics typically treat things like sleep apnea, not anything else, the ones where I live do not provide services like intensive sleep retraining.
I just don't see where help is. I know it's probably a combination of a lot of things, but I just don't have the strength to keep it up anymore, maybe..after all of this, most of me has given up, and I'm just speaking from a small part that still wants to live ,but that part has already lost. and I guess I can't help myself anymore. I'm so sick of repeating the same story to person after person, doctor after doctor, psychiatrist.therapist.specialist etc. but when I'm venting apparently not, apparently when I'm stoned and venting I will say any pathetic thing possible because I have no dignity...anyway
that is all, I apologize ..you had to bear witness to whatever this is..but don't fret, it will be gone soon haha. forgive me
goodnight