What’s the definition of a competitive alpha male?

Someone who finishes first and third in the same masturbation contest.

Why are men like lawn mowers?

They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odours and half the time they don’t work.

How are men and linoleum floors alike?

You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next twenty years.

What three words are guaranteed to destroy a man’s ego?

“Is it in?”

How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?

He’s breathing.

What’s the difference between men and government bonds?

Government bonds mature.

What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

A bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator and goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed and goes to the refrigerator.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a catfish?

One is a dirty scum-sucking, crap-eating, bottom feeder and the other one’s a fish.

How many bright, sensitive, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do toilet bowls, anniversaries and clitorises have in common?

Men miss all of them.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don’t have eyes.

How do men sort out their laundry?

Dirty, rank, rank but wearable.

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

There isn’t enough time.

What do you call the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?

A man.

What do men and public toilets have in common?

They’re both either busy or full of shit.

What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?

A sex-change operation.