I didn't realize I had been sexually abused at a young age until I was 20. I remember the exact moment, I was walking home from my friend's house, we had been drinking and smoking. This memory I've always had was so vividly replaying in head. It's me downstairs in a basement in a bathing suit with a man, I'm about 5. I remember being told to stand and not turn around. But I did, and i saw this man's penis. And that's it. Up until that moment that was the memory. A little innocent memory where we were chaning out of swimsuits, i didn't listen and saw a penis for the first time.

Well that night when I was 20 and that memory popped into my head I remembered a detail I hadn't before. The man wasn't changing out of a swimsuit... he was taking off his underwear. It was like being hit my a freight train. I'm walking down this alley at 2am and I can't breath, I can't move, I'm just trying to push out the thought "you were molested!"

I thought I was crazy, I thought it was the weed, I didn't tell anyone for 3 more years. Either this incredibly fucked up thing happened to me when I was young... or I thought it did when it didn't. I mean how could this person do this to me? Either way I was completely fucked.

I wasn't romantically involved with anyone at the time, but I was struggling with my sexual identity for sure. I don't think what happened has anything to do with my sexuality, but it has affected how I handle intimacy. How I open up with others, what I share, and that includes myself and my body. I wasn't really ready to be with anything and I didn't understand why I always pulled back. But I just kept trying to push my intamcy issues away. I only had straight friends, so I tired to be straight. But the first time I had an opportunity to be with a girl... it was everything I had never felt (but always wanted to) with men.

I can't speak for your situation or your ex. But this shit is hard. And there isn't always a lot of support for it. Especially because childhood abuse usually is committed by a family member or close family friend. It can be very isolating. It's really hard to talk about it. And I pushed away those closest to me, because I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to make it through the day. I dunno. I hope this helps