In all fairness, I do think some of the points you touch on probably do apply to her. I'm sure that there is more to it. I'm sure she does feel scared to bring it up, and hopeless to some extent to help. And I think there's a degree of her blaming herself for it too. But, fuck, it's like I'm holding on to the edge of cliff, asking for her to give me a hand to pull me up, and she's just standing there reflecting on how this situation makes her feel. Giving all benefit of the doubt, I still come out that it's a shitty thing to do, and she cares more about herself than me. She cares more about her feeling bad than she does about me dying. It's a fundamentally self-centered thing, to protect herself.

And yes, I am in therapy and on medication. I'm safe. But mostly it's a stalemate. If I could, I would absolutely take the off ramp at this point. But my kids need a father, they need me. Death of a parent at a young age is traumatic to children; suicide of a parent is traumatic to children their whole lives, even if the truth is concealed as young children they will find out some day; my wife is incapable of providing a nurturing childhood by herself, especially so if she knew deep down that she was a proximate cause of the suicide (I imagine that fucks people up); I am not totally sure if she would be interested or able to find a new husband, again especially after a spousal suicide; and even if she did remarry, I have no reason to believe that she wouldn't hoodwink some other guy the same way she did me and cause another unhappy marriage. So if I go, my kids have a dismal outlook the way I see it. I can't do that to them, and I believe they are better off with growing up seeing a dysfunctional marriage and depressed father. It's not good, but none of the options are. The divorce option is the only alternative I can imagine, but this comes with current trauma and disruption to my children for the split, and not being a part of their lives every day. Half of the time they'd be in that environment without me there to counterbalance, and have to deal with the two house thing their whole lives. My current plan is to stick it out and do my best to shield them from the dysfunctional marriage and depressed father thing. Common wisdom says that they'll know, but I think you can put up quite a good front and put them first, and I'm willing to put on a charade for them, as it's probably the least disruptive/harmful thing I can do.