WOW! Dude you're amazing, thank you so much for taking the time to write all this out!

You've definitely taken it in a direction I would never have thought, and I'm not sure how much of it works but it's still quite fascinating and has given me a lot to think about...

To be honest, I wish I could get the story down to like 10 pages, I didn't write the actual script, I came up with the story and the other writer who is credited wrote the script and ignored a lot of what I had in the original story which I think made more sense.

My goal for this is to make a film that can go into festivals and sell me as a director (that's all shorts are really good for anyway) - specifically make me interesting to studio execs and agents. I'm very fortunate to have access to big names who have told me what I need to include in the script to get myself in front of the bigwigs from the studios. Basically they want to see: an action sequence (the whole second act), a set build (the memory device room), a story that has mass appeal (there's no naughty words or sex) and finally they want me to make it all look visually interesting (got an awesome cinematographer and I've given them the Black Mirror episode San Junipero as a reference). They don't care about the nitty gritty tiny details of the plot, they just want to see that I can tell a story and have it be different from the standard festival films.

I think this will do it, it just needs to be tighter and I'm not sure how to go about that. Any suggestions?