I am in therapy but I feel like a lot of my problems aren't being addressed. I'll bring something up with my therapist and they just prescribe me another pill instead of offering me any kind of advice or input. That's actually been my history with therapy in general for the most part.
Like in my gut I know I want to transition. But I am worried of it getting in the way of my goals, potential health issues that may shorten my life even more (ie, my mother's side of the family tends to be thin and not really have much of an issue with weight, but my dad's side of the family tends to be rather heavy set and have an issue with overeating and I guess I'm worried that testosterone could switch on my dad's genes and I'll end up being 300 lbs instead of merely a hundred like I am now) what really jump started me questioning everything was the fact that I've never really had people who took it seriously around me. I'm from a very conservative environment, most people I know don't even think it's a thing. And I have had what could be described as gender dysphoria my entire life I just didn't have a word for it until the early 2010s when I found out there were other people like me. But the only support I had came from people I knew online, if any of my friends had known about this they probably would have thought that I was crazy or mocked me for it.
But at the same time there was stuff that made me question myself for a while - basically I thought that Io wasn't masculine enough to be a man because many of my interests could be considered girly and I'm also Vain and care about personal hygiene. The communities I was exposed to were very gatekeep-y - gay trans men, trans men who were vain or cared about their hygiene too much, feminine trans men, trans men who had interests that were outside of beer and football were considered to be a bunch of posers and fakes. But I found out later on that that didn't necessarily discount my manhood so I came out anyway after I moved away. I got a lot of people not taking me seriously because I was too polite, too clean cut, too artsy, too nervous for people to take me seriously as a man. And then I met my partner at the time who started out supportive and taking me seriously, even helped me get on t the first time and try to figure out a new wardrobe for myself and then they changed. Got sucked into a lot of terfy online communities, they turn it against me and pretty much questioned everything about me which made me question myself by extension and have an existential crisis.
They tried to convince me that my dysphoria was the result of a number of things. Tried to convince me that I was just a Butch lesbian. As much as I wish that was true because men intimidate me because theyre too hot for me and i can actually talk to women like a normal person without getting flustered and tongue tied, my attraction to men is unfortunately very legitimate. When they found out they couldn't convince me of that, they tried to convince me that my dad or brother had molested me when I was a little kid and I didn't remember it and then that was the source of my gender dysphoria. Then they were convinced it was internalized misogyny. Then they tried to convince me it was a fetish and that I was some sick predatory fuck who was only transitioning to get gay guys to notice me when I know full well no gay dude, or any dude for that matter, is ever going to find some 5'3 100 lb androgynous person attractive. then they really got nasty and said the only reason I was transitioning is because I was too ugly and dominant to make it as a woman. And all that junk is just floating around in my head. I was able to be mentally strong enough to ignore it until my mother who was also a terf who I was no contact with located me, saw how different I looked, flipped out on me, pretty much parroted everything my ex had been telling me while I was together with them, and throughout my stuff. And that was when I flipped out and detransitioned.