Should a man defend himself, if a woman is beating him up?

You should be able to defend yourself, but I wouldn't recommend it. My ex was prone to violent outbursts but was quick to play victim if I grabbed her arms or held her down.

There was one instance where she was throwing bottles and and swinging them at my head (She had been drinking with friends, and decided that was the right time to tell me that here heroin junkie sister was going to move across the country to live with us. I said absolutely not, and she lost it). I knew enough to know that I needed to get out for the night, but I didn't want to leave her alone with some of my more valuable things, mainly my laptop that had my life in it. So I get into the bedroom and start throwing stuff into my suitcase. I was only living with her for the summer, until college resumed across the country in my home state, so I didn't know anybody and had nowhere to go. I just needed to get out.

So as I'm hustling to get shit into the suitcase, she's hitting me in the back of the head. I turn to her as shes about to take a swing with a coffee mug, and I grab her by the arms and pin her to the wall, yelling at her to stop. She spits in my face, and I leave, telling her I'm not coming back. She loses it, screaming at me, making a scene power sobbing in front of the apartment.

As I'm walking down the street with my suitcase, a cop car approaches me and asks if I was coming from our address. I said yes, and he asked me to come with him. So they bring us back and I told them that we had an argument, and I left. I didn't want my ex to get in trouble with the law. She told them basically the same story.

The whole thing was embarrassing, because neighbors are watching this whole thing play out, and I'm sitting in the back of a squad car. Still, I'm thinking they'll just tell us to separate for the night or something, like they do on cops. I mean, I'd never been in any kind of trouble before or after, so the last thing I expected was to be arrested.

The cop came back to his squad car and said that our story didn't add up, and that since she had red marks and scratches on her arms and her face was red (from crying), that was evidence of physical harm or something, and I was under arrest for felony domestic violence. When they told her they were taking her in, she went ballistic, and nearly got herself arrested.

I spent a couple of days in jail, with no contact with the outside world. I was getting varying predictions of my fate from the others inside, and after being transported to two different jails (basically prisons), I was released and told that my charges were dropped, and that the arrest was now only considered a detention.

It turns out that in California, if there is any physical evidence of injury, and the cops are called for a disturbance, one of the parties involved has to be arrested for a felony. My ex obviously felt guilty, and went to the DA's office to show them her face and scratches, which weren't even from me. Because of that, my clean record, and perhaps her long history of violent outbursts, they dropped everything.

Foolishly, I believed her when she said she would never put me in that position again. Two years later, I moved out there permanently, and she attacked me with a knife. I drove home bleeding.

But here is what really sucks about the whole thing. While that arrest will never show on a regular background check, it will show on an FBI background check. I was a teacher, and there was a time when I got called to the office and had to explain the results of my background check. I had my certificate of release, but if I didn't, I'd have lost my job. And even though I could stay on, I was in a constant state of paranoia that other staff members knew and were silently judging me as a woman beater. I left teaching, but it's hard to imagine I could go back if I wanted to.

And anybody that's curious about my ex (most of which I'd found out after the fact): She'd had an assault on an officer charge that was reduced to something minor. She got another guy arrested after a physical altercation before we dated. He actually got charged with something. While we were together, she'd cheated with a few guys. She got in a fight with one and stuck him with a paring knife, and then got in a fight with another, whom she slashed in the neck with broken sunglasses. He actually had to go to the hospital. About three months after I left, I found out she was arrested for felony domestic assault and vandalism. I can only assume that those charges didn't stick, because now she has a very good job as a sales manager for a posh hotel in California.

tl;dr: Run, run, run. Even restraining somebody from hitting you will get you arrested.

/r/AskReddit Thread