showed top posts to wife last night

We both feel like the other is to blame for both of us not being happy. How do you get over that?

This speaks to something in my life atm, where I've been grappling with resentment. I've found two things have been helping tremendously with it:

1) Acknowledging my own part in the things that happened. I'm almost trying to make a game out of it at this point, weird as it sounds. Anytime I remember something shitty that's happened between us, I ask myself "What did I contribute to the shitty situation?" I've had to acknowledge I did some pretty fucked up shit at times too. Sometimes, I over-reacted or was over-sensitive to something, that that would spark a bigger situation. At other times, it was more that I wasn't assertive enough, didn't draw clear enough boundaries, gave the impression that certain things were okay when they weren't, because I wanted to keep the relationship. In short, I was often dishonest with myself, which means I wasn't being honest with him. None of this lets him off the hook for some shitty, hurtful things he did - but I do remind myself that I was part of the dynamic.

2) I'm patchier about this, but when I do feel resentment towards him, I try to think of something kind or loving to say or do towards him. It's hard to articulate the thought process here, but it's kind of a "be the change I want to see" idea. When I give him something loving, he's more likely to react lovingly, and we're more likely to create a positive feedback loop.

As for you and your wife's situation, what's going to be very important is finding a way through tough/conflict conversations without things going off the rails. She doesn't feel safe around you right now, and you're probably going to have to take the lead for healthier communication. I like the advice that another commenter gave, to attack the problems as a team, and don't attack your wife for the problems.

/r/DeadBedrooms Thread