When I was nine I'd think about hell a lot and would often cry myself to sleep thinking that was where I was going. Due to my mom and grandparents telling me stories of hell that'd scare the shit out of me. Cause I have a very active imagination apparently.

To this day I fucking despise my grandparents for all the evangelical shit they do. I even lie to my parents saying its hard for me not to want to do things with them. Tbh idc when I heard they got covid I didn't fucking care. It spooked me how little I cared about their health and well being but then I remember all the reasons I have to dislike them.

My cousin and I would often fight over silly shit as kids. He'd get mad when I'd banter and stuff just being a friend. He even punched my sister and made her cry for doing some silly shit with nerf guns. He punched me as well but I didn't care. I remember that well and its made me not care for his well being.

My parents also wouldn't let me go anywhere by myself till I was 17. Even then it took me two days of arguing for my dad to be fine with it.

To this day I'm pissed about the psych damage that was done. I can't recognize whens a good time to banter and whens not and recognize peoples boundaries. Cause I always assume that I'll cross that persons boundaries. Which lead to a fear of abandonment that is hard to get rid of.

Every single time I rant like this about my past I always get pissed and later cringe. Cause I know this is selfish but ffs its becoming a genuine problem and idk how to fix it.