eh, I hate AA. I do things my way. I don't care to quit pot forever honestly. it isn't like I have no self control. I could've sold the TV but didn't because I think of the same things you said... it just feels like I wasted money on it since I bought a better monitor so quickly after getting it.

the issue for me is less about staying away from hard drugs and more about being able to have any sort of a life. which I cant.

the support network wont help me do things like build a career from nothing with zero savings or find new relationships. and I don't need the preaching.

I don't even know what yelping death is, and street meth is one of the drugs ive never done (although I did once get to try a 5mg pill of pharmaceutical methamphetamine, and have used Adderall, etc. for school in the past or to work major overtime hours without sleep)

heroins the only drug that ever got to me because of the awful physical withdrawals, which is something I never want to go through again so I wont.

if I kill myself its because I view life as not worth living anymore and all the time left to be inescapable suffering.

I'm well down that path and as my age continues and my opportunities dwindle, if I don't get super lucky ive already decided on killing myself. its the only option because id rather deal with that than the rest that will follow.

hell, if one major thing happens to my slight chance of opportunity now like someone dies and leaves me homeless. I'm out.

I was depressed before any of it. its gotten worse. but its not about chemical imbalance at all. my life fucking sucks to the nth degree.

if I don't get to move from impoverishment -> upper middle class and I don't end up killing myself. the alternative is losing my mind and possibly becoming dangerous to society around me.

which isn't worth the trouble either, and why itd be better for me to end myself than cause anyone else strife.