I want a healthy relationship but am aware that I might not be capable of it. I want to be a positive in someones life, not a burden. I do not want to take a good/happy/innocent person and break them down with the unreasonable responsiblity of dealing with a grown man who deep down inside has the emotional and interpersonal skills of an abused/neglected 5 year old.
Some details:
I am extremely distrusting and have the worst possible attachment style. Even people I have known for a lifetime, I am simply not allowed to express how I feel whenever I feel a "negative" emotion or I am not feeling 100% confident for any reason. Maybe one or two people in my entire life would I ever express my deepest thoughts to, and they were a friend of the same sex. Women? No way. It is weak and they are disgusted by it or they will pity you and lose any attraction they might have towards you. I have occasionally felt vulnerable around women and it seemed like it made them feel closer to me and they seemed to want to either console me or show me affection, but I know full well that if I stick my neck out for any reason it will get cut off. My delusion is that women are not capable of feeling empathy or affection for men if the man has ever shown any sort of weakness. It will forever be used against him.
Same goes for expressing a desire to be paid attention to. To be treated with affection or that I want to give affection is the ultimate weakness. If she is having a bad day, or she is mad with me or not forthcoming with affection for any reason when I desire it, I do not have the ability to express that this hurts me. The few relationships I began quickly ended at this point because I shut down when faced with this problem and I consider the relationship successfully finished.
On a few occasions in my life when the emotions of attraction and affection swelled so much that they overcame my cognitive delusions and lack of confidence, I actually did okay and she seemed to like me. I think she saw all the shit brewing inside of me and she was the first and only person who understood it shouldn't be that way. She almost made me feel like it was okay to feel angry or frustrated or needy sometimes and it didn't mean I was worthless as a man. However, more or less on a daily basis I could not tell if she was getting tired or bored of me. I couldn't tell if I had imagined that entire connection and that all she ever felt for me was pity. I realized I would need daily reassurance from her that she still feels affection for me and that is too much of burden for anyone.