So to cut a long story down, I'm 15 and dealing with a severe case of depression and suicidality/self harm. I thought it was getting better, but the only friend who I counted on 100% has deserted me because apparently "people change" and he loves his girlfriend now. He's 18, so doesn't want a stupid, suicidal kid to burst his bubble. We have a little history, we've kissed a bit and despite meeting online, he's been a bit of an anchor for me in terms of my depression. I was devastated when he started seeing his girlfriend because he'd led me to believe that he had feelings for me. We had a massive argument about it over facebook and this coincided with a major relapse for my depression. We've argued, and it's been difficult at times, but we made up over Skype and I was led to believe that things were chill.
Fast forward a month, I tried contacting him again. He seemed different. I asked why, and he said that he'd moved on and "preferred me to stay a shadow." That made no sense considering we'd never really dated, and that he'd been talking to me LONG after he started seeing his girlfriend. That hurt a lot, so when I tried to get answers, he started threatening to send pictures of them together and basially told me to piss off. So I did eventually. Confused, I called him up the next day and he seemed fine. He said that he'd always answer a call from me, which blatantly contradicted his messages the night before.
He doesn't want me. I made one last attempt at reaching out to a few weeks ago and it ended horribly, with him basically accusing me of being a leech and a selfish, immature 5 year old. I only wanted some help and care, and he'd led me to believe that I'd get it. I never wanted him to be my therapist, just a friend.
I keep analysing literally every wrong thing I've ever said to him over text and have convinced myself that I'm an evil, clingy, psychotic ex girlfriend. He was my first love. It's ended horribly and it's all my fault because I was too depressed and negative for him to deal with. Once, he asked what I'd have done if we hadn't met and I answered truthfully; "I might not be here." I feel so terrible for putting that on his shoulders :( The guilt is too much for me and I can't even apologise because he doesn't want to hear from me. And rightly so. I'm a clingy, insecure kid. I've tried to call him three times over the past 2 weeks but on the third he texted that he was "playing Halo with friends." That confused me becuase it sort of implies that he wants to talk, and he's just busy. I know that I'm coming across as psycho, but all I want is to explain to him that he's one of my closest friends and is beautiful.