Sociopaths are fascinating and I deeply respect you guys

There is nothing fascinating about the things I have done. Thank The Lord Jesus Christ that one day while I was bored I accidentally exposed my self to some content and felt empathetic and emotional and some how cured my self from this hell I didn't even know was my mind. That cold dark hell that was my mind for some many years plagued me with never ending boredom. So bored and empty that all you feel is the restlessness in your muscles. When I think about that place I start hyperventilating because that's how f###ing sacred I am of that place! Basically what happens is you become desperate for relief from this hell with out even knowing it. The only problem is that you can only feel pain, anger, lust, frustration, hate, sex, adrenal, fear, anxiety, and dopamine. Dopamine can be caused by a lot things obviously, like a mother will get it when she nurses a baby and you get it when are excited or happy. I got most of my dopamine from video games. I can not tell you how good it was to feel that feeling of emotion burn in my chest for the first time. To feel something other the all the things I listed. To be able understand all the people around me. Sadly I tread my family like garbage and had no regards for anyone's feeling. They were nothing to me. Even if for some reason I ever had to kill everyone of my family members I know that in my heart I had in me to do it. Now I could never do that. I love my family and have a great relationship with them now. I even now lean on my sibling for emotional support which is crazy because I caused them so much pain without even knowing it. I toyed with people, abused animals, started fights, and ignored so many people's feelings and threw them in the fire. I had siblings that looked up to me parents that loved me but I just gave them a cold shoulder. I remembered when I was like 12 or 13 and me and my dad were driving back from a place and we were both in the front seats of the car when he opened up to me about a very personal matter that hurt him very deeply. My dad's a great guy and a good dad and never did anything to me that could make me hate him. Anyways he opened up to me and started pouring out his soul and was completely consumed in tears full blow crying. The hole time he talked to about the matter. I didn't even look at him. I didn't comfort him, console him, or ask him any questions about the matter. I didn't even acknowledge him and showed no interest. I just completely ignored him and looked out my window angry at my dad wondering to myself how he could be so weak. I was disgusting with him crying and I couldn't even look at him. To this day I have never mentioned it to him or anyone simply cause i was so disgusting with him crying

I lived my life antisocial detached from every thing that made me human. I only cared about playing competitive multiplayer video games because they gave constant action to quench my boredom. The only things I thought about was video games - playing them, how to play them, how to spend more time on them and watching them. And then the occasional i am hungry or I gotta use the bathroom. That was the extent of my interest. I was not in to girls, power, money, cars, houses, going out, or friends. Just video games because they were the only thing that made sense to me. I never listed to music and I didn't like most movies or tv shows because they were to emotional. Watching or seeing people get emotional over stuff or each other made me get really angry inside. Like for me to see another teenager crying about something like someone they know just died in front of them or they were just reunited with a old friend or family member. It would frustrate me and fill me with disgust for that person. Also when teenagers talked about depression, anxiety, bf/gf, music, it would also fill me with disgust towards them. I would just think to my self how weak people are. ALSO I could never look people in the eyes and had a lot of trouble with making eye contact. I wasn't sad or depressed, I was just bored hope-ing someone body would try to mug me or fight me so I could kill them legally in self-defense. In fact I probably the most happy satisfied person on earth. Because all I wanted was video games and that's easy to get. I thought that there was nothing more to life. It's funny cause now I have the emotions of a 12 year-old girl and feel emotions way to much and cry over things i shouldn't because I am now so emotional. I feel super conflicted because I am now like those teenagers that I thought were so pathetic and weak. It drives part of me crazy and it won't accept the emotional human empathetic part of me. I feel like I am at war with myself...split right down the the middle. I was out in public one day after I cured my self accidentally and could now relate to people. And I saw some teens doing the things I said I hated. Being able to relate to them and understand the things they were doing was to much for me. I become so filled with disgust that my sociopath side couldn't take it and had to prove to itself that it was nothing like them and that it didn't sympathise or understand them because it just could not accept that I understood these things know. So I ended up verbally telling them off. In truth I was hope-ing that they would get physical so that I could beat them up and unleash my anger on them and prove to my old self that I was nothing like this. I didn't even no these people.

HOW DID I BECOME LIKE THIS!?!?

Well that's what I was thinking when I realized that not having the slightest bit of empathy or remorse if your hole family just dropped dead in front of you. Once I realized that my old feelings like that were not normal I begin to ponder how I became so shut of and closed off from these emotions of love, empathy, and remorse. I now what made me feel again so what made me so numb? Well it all happened when I was a little innocent child. The was a person I loved very very dearly and deeply. This person physically abused me three time. The first time they tried to kill me by beating me to death all while expressing how much they hate me and won't me to die while cursing me. I managed to escape with my life lucky. At the time I was 11 and it was to much. I didn't believe it and was not able to grasp what just happened. I loved this person, but because I was traumatized to such a extent that I had no choice but to crush those feeling no matter how hard it was. I believe that once my brain my brain made this decision in my subconscious as a self defense is when the numb shut of socio mental state was born. So I began to subconsciously lock away my emotions and feelings for everyone. I got beat up 2 more time by this person and verbally abused many more times. Eventuality by the time I was 13 there was nothing left.

Now I live a really emotional live. I listen to music. And yee, money, power, and all the other goods now have quiet the appeal to me know ;-)

/r/sociopath Thread